Shower Epiphany: Carry that Weight

I've been very careful and delicate for the past few months as my shoulder healed. To say that I've been holding back is to take things lightly. I've babied this thing for a few months longer while slowly, painfully getting not only full range back, but even rehabing it in different ways all the while fighting off the strong evolutionary feeling that I've reach my peak and perhaps it's time to simply walk off into the sunset and take a support position rather than the aggressive lead. To be honest, I had to accept the fact that I am not a young man and that I am going to carry this injury and wear this brace like the other injuries I've collected in my time.

What hits me the most is the strong feeling of weakness that this injury has forced me to deal with. Growing up I've learned that weakness was something that got you killed. It was the marker of a victim placed upon the predatory ones who looked for it in their prey. I've learned to not only look after the backs of others, but to abandon the fact that I can not protect my own back and that those who I'd trust it with would only end up getting the best shot in. To say that I even now mistrust those closest to me is saying very little. Much of my insomnia comes from not feeling safe enough to put myself in such a position that would leave me "weak". It has forced me to not only become .....cruel in many ways, but also very Machiavellian in the little things I do. Above all I have to admit that I am not the same man I was yesterday.

Today, I'm better.

I'm not only stronger now, but I'm a bit more cautious. I'm wiser from the stupidity I've committed, but also grew compassionate. I've not only learned to resolve my violent tendencies, but I've learned to foster peace. I've gained patience with a new resolve to focus what ability I do have while keeping my impulsive nature. I've resolved my fear of the unknown and the possibility of failing miserably and learned that time was the best judge and that vindication comes with hard work and honest vision. I've learned to let go of grudges while keeping the outrage to prevent them from happening again. I'm also coming to terms that some things I did not have to ability to change while understanding that it was not my place to change them in any way, despite of how much guilt I may carry. Above all I'm trying to understand that there are always going to be moments in my life where I'm not only alone, but against the world. Those moment do not frighten me in the least anymore. Those moments define me.

So today, I'm not only better, but I will push myself once more as I've pushed myself before. the only difference is that I've found a limit that had broken me and now I figure out how to break it. Today will be good for me. I'm not only going to embrace exhaustion, but also I'm going to shove my limit back just a bit more since I now understand that there is not place for me in the past, but the future is made from the suffering and work put in today. 

Kind of a long way of saying I die cool, no?