Hung either way

I'm stuck in the middle between doing something for no possible reason but being "guilted out" or being a piece of shit for not doing it because I'm a piece of shit. I'm a bastard and there is no middle ground possible between damned and damned still.

And people wonder why I'm antisocial. Imagine being guilty of something before ever knowing what it is I'm supposed to be guilty of. Before I used it as a joke, saying I'm hung either way, I do not deserve any retribution for anything I've not had the pleasure of doing, or let me commit the crime before I get thrown in the slammer, but it seems that no matter how many years pass or how well you changed your life you will always be who you were when you committed the worst things in your life.No matter how many pints of blood, favors, good deeds, giving people the benefit of the doubt, helping others through a tough time, and giving up my last dime to someone who needs it more I'm screwed no matter what. So why even try?

Because I already decided that those people will never define me ever again. It's just sad that who these people are. I don't really want to go through so much details or even explain why since I'd be opening the cript that has not been opened in more than a decade and exhuming the dead will only lead to more guilt, something I already have enough of and in many ways just a walk down the street from getting away. I just want to say that sometimes I have to stop myself and question my motives and how bad of a human being I am.

And yet, even if I do so there is no real solution besides obeying and losing in all endeavors. Fuck that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone question why I did what I have done all those years or was it simply tossed into me being "selfish, stupid, and cruel". As much as I stare into mirrors feeling like this already, I am starting to figure out it's not me. It's not me.

Ok, I'm done. *steps down off of milk crate goes to drink sangria to sleep*