Understanding the Biological and Physchological Remifications of Therapy with Consideration to After-Effect Deviant Sexual Arousal or Everything about my own lust that I was afraid to admit and even recognize

*sits silently and tries to find a way to cut to the bone and get to the point while sipping creamy java. Take a deep breath and breathes it out*

Ok....follow me a bit, because this is kind of hard to speak about for me and it's even worse considering all the innuendos and double entendres. I'm going to be an adult and those of you who know me well know that I'm not one to act like an adult so...yea.....this is...har......difficult. This is difficult for me. 

*deep breath*

There among us are certain people who you can't help to be extremely comfortable with. These are the individuals who for the lack of ceremony and pompous tactfulness for its own sake make you as comfortable. You right now have friends who you will speak to at times of difficulty and others who you simply want to enjoy their time with. There are friends who have seen you at your worse, moments when you wish time was reversible and you could have done something to change it all. They are the ones who find you, pull you up by your love, as Cindi would say, and hold all the broken pieces inside of you until you feel that there is a bit of reality left in your life. We might even ignore people who are trying to help us as our legs tremble under us as we try to take on another onslaught alone. They embrace us, becoming our new spine and whisper in our ears that we are fools to do it alone and that they do care and they will not let us go. 

I love these people and for a better understanding, they are important to me in more ways than I can say at the moment. I will sing their praises and exclaim how their love and time, including 9 months of Crazy Doc, allowed me to do the most difficult of things imaginable to me: Depend on another person. I can rant all day on this and I won't since this is not the topic set to mind. I want to speak about something a bit more......personal to me.....

*takes another deep breath*

I have this friend that I love immensely. I can not begin to say how much I love them. I adore every bit of her and meeting her has greatly helped me in many ways. This person is so amazing to me that she not only embrace my brand of insanity and mirth, but she revels in it. I do have friends who dip into my insanity and many do even submerge themselves in it, yet there are those who choose to take a soak into something they plan to get out of once their time of enjoyment is over, much like a hot tub, and others strip themselves of all restraints and clothing for that matter and jump in fully. 

These individuals who I have been so lucky in my time to find not only one, but a whole line of time to time. Sadly, many if lucky find them and drop instantly to knee and offer their lives to these people. I instead give freely and take freely and see no need to restraints. It frees us to find others who best will fit our lives in those moments, leaving each other in special categories that almost transcend family bonds and not so quite as intimate as lovers. It's almost like finding yourself in a crowd and realizing that they are your missing piece and you hold up your own odd piece that never fit you, but fit them so perfectly.

So I mention all of this because I know some of you will find insult to what I'm going to say or that you also will are willing to sit with me on these difficult moments. Mind you, I did not share with you either because I'M not comfortable, nothing to do with you, but a limiting factor in my own mind where I need outsiders to freely cast judgment and tear apart any part of my thoughts that is incorrect and I will allow it. My ability to make so many changes were not hindered because I didn't have you to help me, but for the fact that I didn't trust you to help me for fear of somehow tainting you with my burden and madness. I had to find an outsider to tell me what many of you have said and even screamed and lecture me on. So I hope you understand. It's not that you are not valuable to me, but that I could not trust myself to accept your assistance. I'm working on it. I'm in therapy. 

Yet, this individual is an outsider. I trust her with this because in my head it can not affect her. You'll see in a minute. 

I've spent the whole day with them last week and not only did she make me comfortable in approaching her about this, but she almost made it enjoyable and ok. It was as easy as it ever was going to be to mention this to another person even before I mention this new can of worms to the Crazy Doc and I haven't either because there were bigger fish to fry (remember October was HUGE for me) or I somehow kind of denied it until I've seen enough evidence that this IS an issue with me. I simply floated it to her since in a matter of going to have a meal I was asked about the health of my prostate, told to stay back since they farted and were rancid, our favorite sexual innuendos when referring to food, and how we both deal when someone BLATANTLY hits on us (She "Pretty Girl" it and assumes everyone is as nice and kind as she is while I immediately deny that it's happening and even help them realize that they're making a great mistake)

And while driving back, it hit me.......a rush of endorphins hit me, not in the adrenaline sort of way where I'm going to have to vault over, punch or throw something, but in a lustful sort of urge. Some of you have seen me have these lately. It's unnerving and even a bit scary to me. I get quiet, a memory usually comes up, I smile and my heart races, and worse of all I get that stupid feeling....the one where I am more than willing to do something stupid, not for the fun of it or to make others laugh at the moment, but a needy, carnal sort of feeling. 

I'll be honest, I've never had these. Ever. 

But you say, "Auggie, you Magnificent Beast and Specimen of Grandeur and Awe, you have an almost vast sexual background. You have been part of situations that many would not only envy, but simply one would be a cherry on top of the sundae that is their existence! What you have not participated in is either inhumane, illegal, or the last abomination unto our Lord!"

To which I have to stare at you and kind of nod my head, almost reluctantly. True, my first kiss was at 6 and my first kiss with a girl was at 13. I was married at 16, divorced at 21, and basically experienced hedonism until my late 20's. I've been several roles and even remembered a few. I have more stories of "Oh Shit, NO" than most people. That and I always adhere to rule of "Nothing before Previous Discussion" and I have to say I'm pretty much accommodating to anyone who I'm intimate with. 

That said, at least more than half of the "interesting stuff" was surprised on me, often time while in restraints. It's the reason why I despise Cosmo and not having a discussion. I've have been in many parts an unwilling participant in a lot of this. Other times, I now realize that my lack of boundaries has been used by individuals who were more than willing to make me into a "plaything". Some of it.....I kind of still repress just for the fact that there was no trust. There was no consideration for me. It's something I'm still trying to come to terms with. It's part being in a cult that has an almost extreme puritanical view of sex that is immensely harmful. Another is the fact that sometimes I trust people to be what they say they are and before I know it the conditions and terms changed. 

Then there was the last time.....that.....that was painful. That fucking broke me. That just was the last coffin nail to just deaden me inside. The entire 9 months of work with Crazy Doc is basically trying to reach what I boxed in inside. To do so, I needed to learn what boundaries are and to create them. Most importantly it's a method of learning to trust again. I honestly don't trust. I don't trust anyone even if they are beyond worthy. I don't put that trust in them because I had trusted many and they took advantage of that for their own purpose. It's the kind of thing that I end up questioning how someone could do such a thing while trying to ignore the obvious answer of "because they wanted this". 

It still fucks with me. That someone would use me. Not the USE part, but the idea that one WOULD CHOOSE TO. I mean, I don't sleep well at night if I was short with anyone or if I gave them the idea that I was anything but kind and happy with them. It still fucks with me that people would treat others that way. If it is anyone else, I will get furious and want to slam people through walls. If it's me....it's....a shock.....I mean...why me? What have I done to you? How do you know I would not have helped you willingly if asked?

*deep breath*

So, yea. I have trust issues. I've always had them. I've always repressed feelings and the such. I've embraced going numb the past 10 years and even working myself into a smaller and smaller box away from even those who I care about for fear of harming them and worst fear of them harming me. I can deal with the shit of the world, I just can't deal with the malice of those closest to me. Even the concept of sharing a bed with someone who has the potential of tearing me apart frightens me. It's why I watch couples, regardless of what they look like, gender, socio-economic background. They have something in which I have either broken in me or simply missing. I can not get around that anymore. It does fuck with me. 

Ok....enough background. This is not my topic.....and I should not try to get away from it. 

So, yea.....I've confided in my delicious friend what I've been recently been dealing with. That out of fucking nowhere I get these....lustful moments. These waves of arousal that just "takes me hostage", as a friend might say. It could be a memory of a moment, a woman walking by, an ad, just anything that reminds me that I have been celibate for almost a decade. And somehow I don't have the ability to shut is off, down, or out. It takes me and I have to use every bit of my will to just not focus on it. I'm not talking about personal moments or behind closed doors. Kind of difficult when shopping for potatoes in a busy market. Two days ago, it was a woman's vanilla perfume in the elevator. It was difficult to focus and to say enough, difficult to walk. 

Is this puberty? I don't think I've ever had these puberty moments. I mean, is any of this normal? I'm not talking about grabbing people or being blinded by lust, but just the "all systems go" command that has me realize that even though time has passed that my equipment is beyond ready, willing, and able to rise to the occasion. No, seriously. This is awkward when walking in exercise clothes, but business casual? 

I've never had those moments when you just had an erection "just because" as a teen. Then again, I was sexually active at 15 and I don't think I've ever wasted one. Now....yea....I'd have to say that my celibacy is on shaky grounds. 

"Well then, Auggie, you viral and conditioned stallion, why don't you take all that pent-up vitality and start having sex!", you declare quite loudly enough to frighten children and swoon the more delicate of individuals. Yea......about that. Not only do I have reservations about just being active for its own sake, but I have this odd quirk that no one would believe me in having. As much as I would love to "cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war", I just can't have anonymous sex. Like as in physically can't. As in, I don't work that way. Oddly enough, after much reflection, I've come to realize that the moments that I have intercourse I'm either taking things slow, after the initial conversation of what is and isn't allowed and such, where it's ......*needs a moment*.....fucking capital.....I'm trying to expand my vocabulary here so that my blood flow continues to go in the right direction, since I've more than understand that writing with lust very much hinders the thought process I need to make sense......

*deep breath* ....ok....

And the other situation has been when the conditions have changed. These are the moments when I'm hanging out with women (yea, sorry. Still CIS here. My first kiss might have been stolen by a boy, but it didn't do a thing for me...why yes, I'm a one on the Kinsey scale) and we're "friends" on a couch, watching tv usually or laughing with a drink and somehow things blank out for a second. One moment I'm watching Battlestar Galactica and the next I'm in an odd place....what changed....wait...what's this again....tongue.....whose.....wait...what....how....what's happening....that was my shirt....what's happening again....huh....wait what......oh...OH....OH! Wait....are we still friends?

So....yea.....that happens. I can honestly say that these moments usually don't end well in the end. Usually, I get an "it was a moment thing" or "I was drunk" or even "it was a mistake". 

*sigh*

Yea, I built enough of a defense system to make sure this doesn't happen, but fuck doesn't it just take a little bit out of you. 

So...yea....that's the issue in the whole and as cleaned up as I can manage. Am I horny as a toad? Immensely. Should I start having relations? Indubitably! Am I? That's a whole lot of NOPE! As much as I'd like to I'm going to have to be a bit more celibate until I can keep up these boundaries and know what is healthy and what is not. To say that I don't trust myself is an understatement. I've been making immense progress and the last thing I need is to make a mistake. Or get into a relationship that is just going to be another train wreck. So I'll just find my way of letting off steam once again by sneaking exercise until I'm exhausted (come on, why DID you think I worked out that much.....duh) and maybe Crazy Doc can help with something or can work his magic in pulling the crazy out of me and such. 

I'm making great progress. I am. Yet.....yea......you know what I mean. So...yea....new experience....very awkward....much blush....

So...yea....

Oh, you're probably asking why my delicious friend is an outsider in this situation? Yea......well, she's in a very magnificent relationship with someone very dear to both of us, different scaling of course. And thankfully we have similar tastes in women with some differences to make our conversations lively and hilarious. So yea, who else to trust than a friend you can check out someone immensly attractive and fist bump afterwards. I know, objectifying women and such and that's none of this. As much as I love to embrace my 15% and realize that a woman's outfit is spot on and gorgeous with her, I can also embrace the 85% by stating that said woman is stunningly radiant and worthy on taking a chance on speaking to with the great chance of reprisal and disappointment. Also, those rare 100% moments where I switch from "wow, she beautiful" and "her shoes are to die for". 

Never disrespectful. Never without consent. Never what Trump said. Fuck that guy, he's rapey.

So...yea.....there....that wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be....still.... I need to buy better slacks.....for the hiding.....of me....so....yea.