Shower Epiphany: Do not go gentle into that good night.

Ok, I'm going to repost this an add a bit more.

I've been suffering with depression since I was 25. At first I thought it was just my situation or the fact that I lived alot, but I'm starting to admit that this is heavier than me. There are moments when I have to work hard to care about getting up, going outside, and starting my days. Brushing my teeth is sometimes the hardest thing to do and if you honestly know me you know that I never back down from anything. There are times when I have to get away from people because I feel that I'm pulling them down with me. That I can not add anything to make things better or to offer others. There are moments that I have to get away from others and fight this on my own. 

Through the years I've used many things as my reason to get up and fight back. Mariama Alizor and Jahbril Justice Muhammad have always been my torch in the heaviness. David Tran has been one of my longest friends and have understood that there are moments that I need to be around others for my own and other times I need to get away from others. I've lost many friends and family along the way and buried many relationships. For years I've tried to find natural and unnatural ways to help me in this. Exercise helps. Eating meals every three hours helps. Sleeping helps greatly, but insomnia and caffeine can sabotage me greatly. So I have to keep on it. I have to be proactive and times I have to get outside and around supportive people unless I entertain thoughts.

I have to admit, I have thought about taking my life and the consensus is unless I can reason myself into it, I won't do it. There is too much of a fight in me even if I'm going to lose. I know I can't win each and every time, but I know I can spoil the joy of others easily. That's me sticking it to life. I refuse to let anything win and gloat. The day I do pass on, death is going to say "the bastard fought me tooth and nail and I think I lost out. The fucker made me hurt!" So I'm taking the first step in cheating death and losing out to depression by talking about it.

Watching this kid talk about it helped me understand that I can not go silent. I must do what I do best: Bitch, complain, drag my feet and make a huge stink  until I can beat this.

I'm not insane. I'm not cruel or on drugs. I do not over eat or drink and I try to keep my life as an example of what others can do, even without talent and everything against them. I'm a nice person when I'm able to smile, but the smiles hurt my face since the muscles atrophied and I refuse to fake any emotion. I love others more than me and will/have/still will give my last nickle to anyone and pull anyone from the hell they live. I value my life not on who I am but how much good I can go in a day. I figure if I can't be happy or just "normal" that I make someone else happy. 

You know. Give out what you want in hopes of getting it one day. One day.

I want to leave this life proving that even if the world is against you can make it your bitch. You can do anything and anyone who stand in your way will eat crow. SO in the same spirit I'm posting this again. I suffer from depression. I've been suffering from it for years. I'm not ashamed at all and I don't care what you think of me. I'm going to work to make life better and look for solutions. 

And if I lose out.........don't worry. I'm not going easy and I'm going to fight every step away like I always do. If I can't win I'm going to make the fight easier for others. I want to make sure my children do not suffer from the stigma. I want them to understand that genius comes with it's price and it doesn't have to take us like so many others before us. Marilyn Monroe, Stephen Fry, and people closer to me who have already pass on cause of this suffer/suffered from this. I don't want to be a silent chain anymore.

So, yea.....I suffer from depression. So.....yea.

P.S. If you don't like this, you can take a flying fuck. I may get depressed, but I know an asshole when I see one.




http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1