I know I haven't written a while since I'm in a peaceful place in life. I've come to realize why this pisses me off: I am a creature of chaos.
Allow me to explain.
I am someone who is used to constant and never ending change. I am a child of Entropy and I thrive in continuing change. Meaning that if you put me in straight I will become determined and angry and a good chance of suicidal behavior that will end me up in either missing teeth or adding to my "collection". Not a good thing for me. This is me in constant insomnia, consistent pressure and odds are against me to the point that I'm a loser bet. This inspires me to and forces me to push forward for a goal of making people eat crow and suffer for doubting me. This has made me stubborn, but very recluse. Not good for a creative outlook.
In complete opposite, I get continual 8-9 hour sleep. Life is not only "good", but boring. It makes me slow and lazy. It taxes me in a way that warriors of old would end up going mad knowing that eternal peace would force them to dire measures. It's me playing three weeks of WoW letting my body to become lax, injured to the point where I can only wait and sit, it's me in love. That continually constant and steady does of oxytocin makes me ......soft. And that softness in my experience always leads me into a lulled mind and a unsuspected fall that ends up with me cursing myself for letting it happen.
You can see why I have issues with sleeping now. Makes me too vulnerable.
And yet, I need a constant amount of chaos. I need to charge into my windmills as only Cervantes could understand. I need to be broken and sore while having small transmittances of peaceful recluse. I need to carry a banner, even if it's a lost cause and a target on my back. I need to hunt and be hunted. I need to sleep and to dream. I desire the physical conflict and the mental challenge that life has given me in real and intangible means. I need to remain hungry to know how sweet food is. I need to sport bruises to carry an audience of my tales. I need to suffer enough to keep me awake and yet allow me to slumber for small moments. If enthalpy is allowed to rule then I know I am simply too close to death in one form or another.
Pain is growth. Growth is adaption and evolution. Evolution is immortality.
If unchallenged, why would I want to continue? What is life without my windmills? Seriously, I'm asking you. I'm searching for new windmills to keep me sane.
SO happy as I am, I know I can slumber peacefully and remain asleep. that long sleep will be the death of me and that angers me, not enough to create, but enough to know that I need to find more windmills.
Don't be food.
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