I'm going to ask you to forgive my clumsy fingers and scattered mind. Although I don't really pay too much attention how I express myself, more conscious on trying to bottle the lightning of my thoughts down for fear of losing them in an frustrated huff, I'm trying to address this gingerly, giving it the respect and honor that it deserves and wishing only that I do this justice. It's not for me. It's for someone greater than me.
Today, I found out that one of my teachers has passed on. His wife gathered a small collection of photos that they have taken the previous months and made an album in remembrance. Today had been a good day so far and yet reading over the post made I had that horrible feeling of mounting dread and the desire to sacrifice and trade in everything I have in order to get back lost time. It's a reflex to hearing someone passing on, somehow convincing me that in some sort of Groundhog's Day moment I can make things different if I was given an hour, a day, or a moment back. Having lost so many in my life, I can not help to carry some sort of guilt even now, somehow being responsible for a passing of a life that was not only well lived, but in truth perfect in many ways.
I've just lived moments in my life where death was a cruel bastard and not a meaningful end.
And after the initial shock and bearing the self imposed weight of notifying those around me, I've given myself time to process the meaning of it all. This is my attempt now in trying to sort this out. This is very new to me. This has been a good man. It has been someone who has lived well and as far as I know, died well. In attempt to make things as positive as possible, a trait that I only attempt when I've in the motion of damage control, I'm going to simply state what I know for fact and let that speak for itself.
Please forgive me in using the present tense. I'm still trying to come to terms.
Sensei Rustle is perhaps someone who I emulate greatly in a long series of men who I've have been given the honor to meet. I ended up meeting him in a time of my life where I've convinced myself that life was easier living it alone. And meeting him in that moment I have to admit that I was not the most social of people. And yet, my years with him have not only allowed me to soften my heart but it has allowed me to be a better person. We meet in the same judo class. We've both found the subject difficult as well as fascinating, since being tall men almost negated our ability to take full advantage of a sport/art that is best suited for a short woman. And yet, we've both worked our ability.
And yet it was that medium that made Rustle magnificent. He not only taken in the Principle of Judo to heart and made every effort and action focused on being a better person and not just a better Judoka, but he gave of himself as only a person bent of watching the world learn could. He gave his time to be there in class, he gave his free time to support our ventures, from creating the first BCPC class shirt to supporting the martial arts on campus with dvd's, books, lessons and his opinion. We've learned from each other and we taught what we learned. He not only helped others in Judo, but also helped a young Brazilian Jujitsu class as well as a secret Muy Thai, a Kempo class and any other venture in Martial Arts. He wanted to learn and he wanted to have others learn also.
Although he was older than most of the students, he could not have been a better partner. He understood the folly of youth that I was undertaking that strength came from withholding it and that grace and beauty came from a minimum effort in reaping the greatest reward. That Budo was not a lesson from the Ancients to deter greatness, but a method to develop the mind and soul to foster gentleness, cunning and quick mind. We've spent conversations discussion classes, life, and the Art in terms of what is and what was. We've both learn much from our experiences, but I have to say I learned most from him.
He was a person I could not disappoint. A moment when money was lost for work he had done for us led me to not only apologize for my lack of responsibility, but to correct my error with my remained of my bank account. I fear more in giving him the idea that he was ever being used or that his efforts were not appreciated. He has given more of his time than anyone else, taking time to support our tournaments, maintance of our lacking facilities, and always giving encouragement. To say Martial Arts was to mention Rustle Sensei in the same breath.
The day he was promoted to Sensei we not only understood that the title was late, but we knew that he was already in plans to move. We knew that our days with him would be numbered and I had taken full advantage of him here. Life takes us to separate places, but it never severs the connection between us all, a lesson that I am still learning. Being our unofficial "Judo Daddy", I understood that we benefited greatly from his presence and he leaving us has left great and big shoes to remain empty. The man who bleached and patched up our mat, who rode his bike on sunny days and rainy days left a great absence among us. Sadly, I've jumped into the role with much disappointment. I did not have his time, resources, or extra income. I simply had his desire. I mopped the mat clean and when we changed the mat I've taken the time to vacuum it clean. My role in Judo had been more of a teacher than that of a player. I've taken the time to build up others rather than lament my lack of interaction or my loss of ability due to injury. I've sparred with others to improve their performance rather than to satisfy a childish need. I've taken the extra effort to make our mat room more suitable to all the classes need even though many of them have no idea what I have done and know that most of them have taken actions to make things worse.
I've even taken up the honorary title of "Rustle". Our way of remembering someone who gave more than he probably should have. A good man.
His moving didn't end my connection to him. If anything it simply meant a chance to see him again. To see where else he had made a better place with is presence. I know today that he has made every place he has gone to better and have collected others in the same way he collected us. This is the natural order of life. You do not stop caring for others even though you moved away, but you care more. You recreate that place where you miss and love else where so that others may learn from it. Make their lives a better from it. It's the Principle of Judo. Making a better world one place at a time, one person at a time with only your desire as the catalyst.
Him leaving us is not only the natural order of life, but it creates our legends. It give my stories of him life and worth knowing that someone magnificent had touched our lives and pulled greatness out of all of us to manifest it simply because it is the order of all things. It leaves us empty because that person meant so much of us and demands us to give that kind of effort and dedication that has touched our lucky lives. I'm now responsible to make the lives and efforts of others just as great as he did.
And so, I've come to peace in his passing. I'm still saddened by it all and I still think I have a few tears to shed from it all. You can not help feeling lost after losing a good person from your life. You can either wallow in that hurt or you can indulge in that knowledge that the universe as gathered itself for a moment in time and space and offered you the greatness that dwell in all of us. And so I miss him greatly. A lot of people will miss him greatly. He had lived a great life and that challenges us all to celebrate that life rather than morn him. It's gong to take some time. Perhaps that time I can fill his large shoes a bit more on my side of the world. Perhaps I can continue his memory with good deeds and a kind word as he would.
Thank you, Sensei Rustle.
Thank you for everything.
Simply beautiful.
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