An answer to why I write so much when I was asked over having pancakes over three months ago.

Some mornings I have to watch out what thoughts I entertain. I've come to realize that I don't think lightly and I have the annoying tendency to think over things for a period of days if not weeks. It's the reason why I usually stop saying hello to most people and simply continue our conversation from weeks before. I think about things when I'm in the shower, walking, sleeping, eating, staring at any object longer than a minute and have even gone insomniatic when I have not given it proper time to think. It's the reason why I have to stop some of you from giving me "too many details" because I simply can not let go of a thought or an image in my head. In some cases I need to keep my mind solemn enough so that I can look people in the face and not have them stare at me "looking at them funny". And for your information, I have no poker face at all. It's so bad that I have to be careful what music I listen to and usually have to study the music video to not only sing the song throughout, but sometimes I have to do the choreography.

I was told by someone that not only do I have this as a "strike", but I'm the type of person who must experience everything before I can honestly judge something and chances are I'm going to give something so much thought that I'm going to give it a try and things that I should not give too much thought I end up "doing the math" to make sure at least it's survivable. Yes, physics and stats have not helped me to be "safe" in this respect. In fact, moments that I usually end up messing things up my previous thought was before, "Let's see what happens" and usually end up with me thinking "what the hell was I thinking". Yes, Will E. Coyote has nothing on me.

And so, I need to watch out my thoughts. Not only because I may say the wrong thing to someone, but because I know that if I entertain thoughts too long that I have the tendency to lock myself up behind doors and not come out. Sometimes because I can't get over the thought. Other times because I haven't solved it yet and I'm too busy to mimic people to go outside. I'd say every 30 seconds I'm backtracking a thought. Oddly enough it can start with "I like pancakes" and end up with "If we evacuate everyone form the 'Holy Land' and we ignite a few nuclear bombs then no one will fight over it and it will remain holy......then again people will just build walls around it and start arguing over the fucking walls.....didn't I like pancakes a minute ago?"

And so I have to watch over the chain of thought that passes over me. I grok too much and it's not healthy and sadly there are only a few things that can blank my mind long enough to actually not think and even fewer I can do alone. Thankfully writing helps and I have to empty my mind if only for a moment. It not only helps empty it, but it gives me a chance to read over what I was thinking and actually have a chance to end the chain without one of these "oh shit" moments.

So that is why I write. Alot. Thank you for asking.

Wait a minute, didn't I like pancakes a minute ago?