Eye of the Storm

There is nothing more intimidating that staring at a blank screen when you know you need to fill it with something of substance. In my case, there is nothing more annoying than to write something when I'm not either miffed, pondering, or going through something heavy. In fact, I can say that I'm pretty much calm and together at the moment if not just a little bit happy.

I know, I said happy. Go fig?

And after this week I can't believe that I am this calm. In the matter of a week, my grandmother has been moved to a convo home after suffering from the flu that needed medical help. A client of mind has celebrated a huge success only to suffer a fall that not only placed her in the hospital to have pins placed in her leg, but to lose some achievement as doctors say it'd going to take 6 months to fully recover. I've been placing paperwork to my community college to certify an educational block that the university won't recognize. And among all of that I've started the long road in shoulder rehab after dislocating it more than a month ago……again. And yet, I can't help to be calm.

Looking at it all, I have to say that I'm a creature of conflict. Not by choice mind you, but by habit. I literally consider myself a child of Entropy, being familiar and secure in change one way or another. Just knowing that today will never be like tomorrow is probably the safest bet I could ever gamble on. Mind you, meteorites crashed into Russia this week and I couldn't be less fazed. I have been in good moment and bad moment with the same thought in my head: This is going to change soon. I've been in the sweetest moment of a relationship and the roughest purge of a personal hell. I can almost say that the only thing that has gotten me from one point to another is that things will change and I'm not going to get too used to them.

And now, my writing has suffered. Ever since I had that bad break up years back, I've come to realize that as much a I love to write fiction, my thoughts tend to be closer to real life. Sitting down and simply sharing what has and what was with someone has a way of making people not only get pulled into the moment of the story, but it does push them into a place where they usually regard me with some frightened awe that I could endure some stuff that I've lived through. And instead of "going down the street", I've always chose to grab raw emotion and slam it down on paper or the screen, throwing to hell all the rules of spelling and grammar, to make sure that I have that emotion as raw as it felt leaving me as it is being read again. To understand that raw emotion has given me closure where none were offered and peace of mind of knowing that I've done all that I could do.

I think this kind of self therapy has not only helped me reassess myself as a human being but has helped me define myself. I can honestly say that my 20's have been spent fueled on raw rage, lust and sarcasm which is an epic way to die in a Romantics sort of way, but a crappy way to exist in your 30's. Hatred and fury has a way of draining your life away when trying to make things understood. Searching for answers forces one to stop committing acts of stupidity and helps clear the mind of trash and baggage that weighs one down. I've read more books on Zen and psychology and yet it has taken me a decade to try and put it all to work. Like pulling out a field of weeds, you focus on what is at hand and simply pull out what is not needed until one day you look up and notice that the field is almost clear and you are almost done.

And yet, I'm waiting for the eye of the storm to pass while hoping that it doesn't.

I watered my lawn today. I had a small conversation in a coffee shop the other day. I was nice to nice people only to realize that I was being hit on and simply written it off as "being nice". I've taken the time to talk to others than to revel in my mystique of "silent asshole". I've actually felt my face hurt and realize that I was smiling. I'm starting to feel the pangs of loneliness that pulls me out of my antisocial life and I even wondered if I should start dating again until I tossed that thought aside since people are jerks and I remember that I have an issue with picking the worst people too sleep with. And yet, as I sit here and try to finish writing the things that I've started so many weeks ago and realize that I honestly do not have the heart to write about them. I've come up to some issues that not only have made me come to terms and find peace in some things, but also realize that my exits are closer than I've thought. I didn't even think I had an exit.

Then again, you know. Eye of the Storm. I might just find my rage again next week.