Things that I will never understand, but it's most likely that I am not human and have the social empathy of a potato.

1. People who want to own a piece of another person's clothing

I'm going to be blunt. I've slept with a good amount of women. I've shacked up with a smaller percentage of them. I've done laundry and I even broke up with......all of them and I have to say that I have never been drawn to their clothing. I have lost a great amount of clothing to women and if I ever get something of theirs I usually give it back or it gets tossed into the bonfire. As close to any of this, I enjoy waking up next to someone who I've been in a relationship and cuddling close and smelling them. I enjoy their smell. I've even enjoyed how each of them taste. Yet keeping something of theirs and smelling it, even when we are done? NOPE!

Even less when online models offer you certain pieces of clothing for a price. So....yea.....nope. You'll never find any "mementos". It also relieves me of any embarrassing moments if someone discovers a purple rhinestone bustier.

2. Love songs, especially R&B, sound either desperate and needy in a stalker sort of way or self-degrading. 

I know the chemistry of love. It's the worst drug to be on and the hardest to be clean when it takes so much time to finally feel yourself once more and you realize that relationship was a train wreck to begin with but you ignored it because body parts, infatuation, or you have been "pinning', read stalking, the other person so long that your shrine is taking one a bit of a serial killer feel to it. Sorry, I have felt affection and caring towards someone else, but they have never been my oxygen or my one and only because I had many ones and onlys. If anything I realize I stepping into love in the same manner that one steps in pet fecal matter, you always wonder why you were not paying attention more. Love songs never help afterward unless you're trying to find the most easiest way to end your life. 

Once again, I do not claim to be human in any way.

3. Children being perfect because they're my little blah blah blah

No. Stop it. This is why we have sociopaths and monsters. You are not raising a dolly or a small child or a [insert your own sickening mind rotting baby talk, because you either do it, you fucking, monster or you have heard it, alcohol helps]. You are going to raise a human being who has to carry on your family name and have to deal with other people. I say this because I attract the human version of garbage and when they get too close, usually stabbing distance.....not even fucking joking....I have the scars to prove it, I always wonder if they had parents. Yes, yes they did and they were shit not because they put out their cigarettes on them or used them for bowling balls, but because inserting them a concept of how perfect and amazing and incredible and individual and what other bullshit you tell them you also have to remind them that they are one fucking person among billions and to have some human empathy because if they had some then they would know not to be human garbage and maybe I would not be in therapy!

Seriously, fuck you. Raise your future human right or I'll start calling you out now. I won't name names because that will tip you off and give you a head start.

4. Saying hello is not flirting

I am a whore. I am a complete whore, tease, and I play hard to get. I have been seeing multiple people for the 30 years. I make people feel good about themselves and yet I have never at least offered to finger/handjob them because I am a whore. Do not believe me that I have only been polite enough to you to prevent you from realizing that I am just a trauma away from being emotionally dead. Never believe me that when I say, "lets get dinner" that I am not banking fuck points because why the fuck would I ever spend time with you unless it's to bend you over and fuck you hard or to tease the fuck out of you like the shitty whore I am, remember I started out saying it. I'm actually just teasing the fuck out of you and fucking everyone else. I mean, you seen me say "hello" to others. I'm fucking them. A lot. A good amount of fucking. And then we laugh at you and how I am teasing you and not fucking you. We laugh and we fuck some more until you realize you have to break up with me because going for three meals after work is way too much of a commitment and always lead to fucking, but I'm not fucking you, remember? So why invest in other people unless you are going to bend them over and fuck em so good......so good.....

There I said it. Now your hunches are confirmed. Leave me alone now. I just wanted to say good morning to let you know I need the nondairy creamer and you're in the way.

5. IPA's are the new shitty beers because we can't have something nice unless we saturate life with it and Coors decide to make their own.

I get it. It's bitter and has a bite. Nice. 

And yet it's fucking everywhere. Like Coors. It's to the point now you're flavoring it. Like Coors. And making interesting bottles. Like Coors. And if offered everywhere and all the time so that there are nothing else besides IPA's......and Coors. 

"Can I have something pleasingly red and warm with a hint of bite?" 
"No.....we don't have that, but we have 105 different IPA's......and Coors".
"Oh....can I have something dark, bitter, and thick with a thick foam?"
"Um......we don't have that, but they make a coffee IPA!"
*waiting for it*
"It's made by Coors!"
"Can I have a nice Hefeweizen with a slice of lemon, please?"
"Um.....ah......I don't think we have that IPA."

Stop it. Stop it before you ruin it all......like Coors.