As a child, I was always frightened, as far as I can tell. I'll even go as far as saying I didn't stop being scared until I was in my mid-thirties when I finally let go the security blanket that is religion. Oddly enough, it was the concept of exorcisms in which the god fearful would be tormented by demons of their brand of belief, yet you'd never hear people of a different religion or even an atheist being taken over a Christian based demon or even vice versa with another faith's. It helped me realize with everything else I piled up in the corner of "don't look at it too closely" that it was time to let go of it all. The being looking over my trails and tribulations without so much as a helping hand, everything supernatural attached and realizing that most apologists are simply saying "because" when questioned over their reasons while arguing that you are completely wrong simply because you can not exactly pinpoint how a particular protein gets unraveled, even though there is more than substantial evidence stating how it happens without that particular detail. Check your math, savage, but you have to BELIEVE in what I have to say because....I have a book!
Ok, enough venting....Sorry, it's a sore spot when you finally realize you've been afraid for so long trying to appease nothing when in truth you were always a good person.
Yet yesterday at the Crazy Doc's, I was unnerved. There are some things you hear that you can not help to be skeptical. "Trust me" is a big one. "I'm _________" usually peaks my attention considering that people are willing to tell you that they have some sort of trait that you can simply take their word for. "You can tell me anything" is another that makes me laugh, especially wondering why someone wants to know and why would they dare to ask to hear the things I refuse to think about in the dark for too long. There are simply certain things I hear from people's mouths that put me on alert and prepared for a large amount of crazy coming towards me.
Two things were said in less than 20 minutes that one alone would be more than enough to make sure I'm never in the room alone with the person. I kept silent after one, I was made quiet, meaning that the person said the right thing to "turn off" my venting. It's rare and usually a lucky stroke by the person who uttered it, but something I do respond on the level of "sit" or "down" commands given to dogs. It's something that pulls away any annoyance and instantly calms me. Few people can do it and they are never in the same room and I am never "intimate", read in any indefensible position with them. So to say any significant other can never soothe me with a word is a method to keep me safe rather than any issue I have. It's a level of trust that I do not have anymore since the last person tore me apart with that trust.
The second phrase is "I'm not going anywhere". That alone is enough for me to get up and walk away. Oddly enough it was said as our session ended and I was on my way through the door. I do not like this phrase. It's not only loaded, but it's the kind of leap of faith that I do not have anymore. I once asked a friend who he himself categorized as "marrying up". He more than admitted that he's not a looker, but somehow he has something that keeps his wife happy, content, and in love and the only thing he wanted to do is to keep that going until the day she realizes that she made a huge mistake. Laughs were had, but it left me unsettled that he would even have that amount of trust. Their relationship is strong, just celebrating an anniversary just a while ago and I still can not believe that people can have that ability to know that the person they share a bed can tear them apart and still sleep peacefully with them.
It's surreal to me.
I also remember sitting at near a bus stop with a friend as an obese man walked off the bus and waited to help his significant other get off too. Immediately people did that either polite "OH.....oh...nothing to see here" look that they do as they acknowledge that they have seen a sight while others at safe distances pointed and smiled at the fat man helping the fat woman get off the bus. They soon held hands as they slowly made way down the streets of the mixture of stares and cruel snide points. I sat there, sipping my drink, and bluntly told my friend that they were obese. They had people mock or turn their faces away to not hurt their feelings, with some attempts doing as much damage as the mocking. And before he could bring issue on what I was getting at I said, I see two people I envy more in the world. Two people who may have physical limitations that constantly bring the slings and arrows of the world to them, but they hold each other tight walking slowly down the street, them against the world. Them against everything that can be said to them and that they already know or have heard immensely. And yet they hold on to each other, much like older couples do when the seem so frail and brittle to the world, they hold on to each other and know they are safe, loved, and that the world will never matter. If I was in any of their places I would have to walk it alone, much as I already have. I would walk alone because I can not trust anyone to support me and I do not see myself.....worthy......no....of value, that's a closer meaning, to support someone who needs so much from me. I don't think I've ever failed anyone in a relationship outside of not being the person they wanted in the first place. Yet, even I know that in the end, I'm not someone who they had wanted for lasting reasons. I was temporary and useful for the moment, but not someone you'd hold on to in these moments.
I envied them and I lamented at what they have that I do not. I do not have that.....belief....faith.....trust.....I don't know what else it can be called. I had been ripped out and had salt added to the wound before cauterized.
So those two things said in a matter of minutes frightened me. Things you'd imagine giving you comfort or relief. Instead, it put me on edge with the usual reaction of getting my defenses up. If she said that she loved me, even as a joke, I would have jumped through the 4th-floor window and welcomed the ground.
I think my next set of days are going to be.....horrific for me. I know you must read this and imagine why I would ever feel this way. I feel it because I'd rather be crushed under the weight of the world alone than to trust my back to anyone outside of a handful that I must be emotionally distant to.
I'm not looking forward to Tuesday. I'm actually scared of it.
I can honestly say that not a lot of things scare me now.
As a child, I was always frightened, as far as I can tell. I'll even go as far as saying I didn't stop being scared until I was in my mid-thirties when I finally let go the security blanket that is religion. Oddly enough, it was the concept of exorcisms in which the god fearful would be tormented by demons of their brand of belief, yet you'd never hear people of a different religion or even an atheist being taken over a Christian based demon or even vice versa with another faith's. It helped me realize with everything else I piled up in the corner of "don't look at it too closely" that it was time to let go of it all. The being looking over my trails and tribulations without so much as a helping hand, everything supernatural attached and realizing that most apologists are simply saying "because" when questioned over their reasons while arguing that you are completely wrong simply because you can not exactly pinpoint how a particular protein gets unraveled, even though there is more than substantial evidence stating how it happens without that particular detail. Check your math, savage, but you have to BELIEVE in what I have to say because....I have a book!
Ok, enough venting....Sorry, it's a sore spot when you finally realize you've been afraid for so long trying to appease nothing when in truth you were always a good person.
Yet yesterday at the Crazy Doc's, I was unnerved. There are some things you hear that you can not help to be skeptical. "Trust me" is a big one. "I'm _________" usually peaks my attention considering that people are willing to tell you that they have some sort of trait that you can simply take their word for. "You can tell me anything" is another that makes me laugh, especially wondering why someone wants to know and why would they dare to ask to hear the things I refuse to think about in the dark for too long. There are simply certain things I hear from people's mouths that put me on alert and prepared for a large amount of crazy coming towards me.
Two things were said in less than 20 minutes that one alone would be more than enough to make sure I'm never in the room alone with the person. I kept silent after one, I was made quiet, meaning that the person said the right thing to "turn off" my venting. It's rare and usually a lucky stroke by the person who uttered it, but something I do respond on the level of "sit" or "down" commands given to dogs. It's something that pulls away any annoyance and instantly calms me. Few people can do it and they are never in the same room and I am never "intimate", read in any indefensible position with them. So to say any significant other can never soothe me with a word is a method to keep me safe rather than any issue I have. It's a level of trust that I do not have anymore since the last person tore me apart with that trust.
The second phrase is "I'm not going anywhere". That alone is enough for me to get up and walk away. Oddly enough it was said as our session ended and I was on my way through the door. I do not like this phrase. It's not only loaded, but it's the kind of leap of faith that I do not have anymore. I once asked a friend who he himself categorized as "marrying up". He more than admitted that he's not a looker, but somehow he has something that keeps his wife happy, content, and in love and the only thing he wanted to do is to keep that going until the day she realizes that she made a huge mistake. Laughs were had, but it left me unsettled that he would even have that amount of trust. Their relationship is strong, just celebrating an anniversary just a while ago and I still can not believe that people can have that ability to know that the person they share a bed can tear them apart and still sleep peacefully with them.
It's surreal to me.
I also remember sitting at near a bus stop with a friend as an obese man walked off the bus and waited to help his significant other get off too. Immediately people did that either polite "OH.....oh...nothing to see here" look that they do as they acknowledge that they have seen a sight while others at safe distances pointed and smiled at the fat man helping the fat woman get off the bus. They soon held hands as they slowly made way down the streets of the mixture of stares and cruel snide points. I sat there, sipping my drink, and bluntly told my friend that they were obese. They had people mock or turn their faces away to not hurt their feelings, with some attempts doing as much damage as the mocking. And before he could bring issue on what I was getting at I said, I see two people I envy more in the world. Two people who may have physical limitations that constantly bring the slings and arrows of the world to them, but they hold each other tight walking slowly down the street, them against the world. Them against everything that can be said to them and that they already know or have heard immensely. And yet they hold on to each other, much like older couples do when the seem so frail and brittle to the world, they hold on to each other and know they are safe, loved, and that the world will never matter. If I was in any of their places I would have to walk it alone, much as I already have. I would walk alone because I can not trust anyone to support me and I do not see myself.....worthy......no....of value, that's a closer meaning, to support someone who needs so much from me. I don't think I've ever failed anyone in a relationship outside of not being the person they wanted in the first place. Yet, even I know that in the end, I'm not someone who they had wanted for lasting reasons. I was temporary and useful for the moment, but not someone you'd hold on to in these moments.
I envied them and I lamented at what they have that I do not. I do not have that.....belief....faith.....trust.....I don't know what else it can be called. I had been ripped out and had salt added to the wound before cauterized.
So those two things said in a matter of minutes frightened me. Things you'd imagine giving you comfort or relief. Instead, it put me on edge with the usual reaction of getting my defenses up. If she said that she loved me, even as a joke, I would have jumped through the 4th-floor window and welcomed the ground.
I think my next set of days are going to be.....horrific for me. I know you must read this and imagine why I would ever feel this way. I feel it because I'd rather be crushed under the weight of the world alone than to trust my back to anyone outside of a handful that I must be emotionally distant to.
I'm not looking forward to Tuesday. I'm actually scared of it.
1,256 words 46 minutes.
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