Shower Epiphany
It's been a month since I finished The Phantom Pain.
The game was magnificent. It will always be to me Kojima's greatest work. The game means so much and with it's flaws, it's still a magnificent. I'm going to talk about a few things that came up because of the story, but I really hate to ruin it, so just in case spoilersv and such.
Saying all that.....
.....I think it really hit a nerve. It.....kind of hurt me. It kind of feels like echos of what I lived through. It's ......*deep breath*
.....secret wars....
I'm out. I think I'm out. I would like to think I'm out.
Then again, I do wake up in sweat at night doing what I can to stifle a scream. In the years I've survived, I've able to stifle the scream. I cry tears of fear and joy that I am out, but I'm not. Every now and then I get pulled back into a hell that I somehow survived.
......and the hell was never mine. It was never my fight in the end. I was fought, lost, and survived only to never be my fight. Does it mean anything? Does it mean anything when I lost so much to something that was never mine......
Did I lose so much to nothing? Was it all for nothing? This....hallow remains......for nothing? And those we lost......who haunt me.....who I question even now why they died never knowing it was for nothing.....were they ......lucky?
Sometimes, I belong or I feel that I belong. I think life will get better. That I will move on. Never turn back. Be happy. Live what is left of time I have and feel I have accomplished something.....meaningful. Worth so much. Much more than what I lost. I am almost happy.
And then, I wake up trying not to scream. Then I get a flash of.......horror? Memory? Who ....what I was.....where I was.....if I could go back and stop so much......fuck....Avey.......those hollow moments, a hard look, haunted eyes.......for fucking nothing....ha ha ......nothing......
It reminds me that I am not like you. I will never be like you. I will never be you. The price paid is often times it's own cost.....punishment....Faustian compromise.....haunted.....so haunted....
You hold me shaking. You fill my glass. You listen to small moments of hell. You sit with me while I try to escape. You wish me all the good I've am due. You send words to ponder, introspect, and hold close. You all have been so much to me. I will never be able to thank you ever. If I lived to the end of time I can not thank you enough. You give me the ability to lie....believe I can be......you.
And yet, if there is justice in this world......if there is any way to redeem myself of .......nothing.......I will have to live an eternity against my will. Sometimes.....sometimes death is too good for you. Sometimes you just need to pay your penance. I'm more then willing. Every good dead is redemption for one day to start another.
ha ha......and for it all......what was it all for? Nothing.
Cosmic joke of it all. It was for nothing. I paid my price and I got what I wanted for it.
*sigh*
I know.......I get like this. It's why I go away. It's why I have to go. It's.......heavy. I have to pay....penance for those who can't. For those who are not with us. For those who never learned it was for nothing. Fucking nothing.
I'm fine....no, I'm not fine. I won't be fine for a long while. I'm trying, but I'm not fine. We have to bury our dead. I have to learn to bury mine one day. It's why I tell you to. Because I can't. Because I carry them with me. It's because my hell should mean something to someone even if it's not ever for my benefit.
Penance. Price. Pain.
All the same thing. Always the same thing.
......I'll bury my dead one day. I will. I will rest with them also. Hopefully they will welcome me if there is any sort of afterlife outside of one imagined by those who can not have second chances.
I'll be fine tomorrow. I'll be.......but tonight. I morn them. I morn myself.
For......nothing.
......
Please......be good to each other.
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