I've started therapy in January after starting family therapy with my two adult children in the Summer. I've been going for at least three months now with some days missing due to illness and bouts of chaos. I've made some progress and even improved a bit as a human being, yet I'm quite daunted by it as the same way someone finds comfort in their shoes while staring up at a a high mountain to be climbed. It offers some peace of mind in the right context, yet starring at the difficulty ahead can less any effect.
To cut to the bone, I'm going to shoot out some things that was touched and perhaps attempt to explore it all while making any progress or insight. Please forgive the bullets, it helps if only to place it all at one place.
- I have PTSD. Nothing too grave as some returning vets, but it's quite active. It's not as potent as in I blank out, but it's seeing something in regular life and shaking my head, sometimes literally, to get my thoughts back. Sometimes they're horrible. Other times saddening reminder of a time lost. I never understood what it was I was dealing with until I asked a few people. So, yea....that.
- I've had trauma since I was young. After a point I've joined a cult until 21 when my marriage crumbled and I was pushed out for a lack of term. I've recovered and even went on to recollect my life, yet I have always suffered a bit of chaos and hell at least until 2013 when I contemplated taking my life.
- I have an odd way of looking at the world, I know that now. Most of it comes from lack of trust and believing that I have no one to trust or even confide. Some of it is simply a wave of doubt and emotion. Most of it comes from experiences, losing people, meeting people who'd take advantage of me and simply living in a world where most people had never had a bad day while I crawled out of the cracks that most human being refuse to acknowledge.
- I don't have a sense of healthy boundaries. I don't know how to tell someone not to tear me apart or even consider mistreatment something wrong. I'm patient and I endure much, yet I place myself in bad experiences, sometimes extending myself to help someone else. I don't know if this was to appease the cult or just a mechanism I developed while young.
- I don't have a healthy view of myself. I know this because I been told by people who witnessed me tolerating hell that would make anyone furious. I do not have a sense of worth that is not based on what I can do verses who I am. I have a constant fear of being "worthless" because it's when you are a target and you can not defend yourself.
- I don't know what I look like. I'm not sure how to even explain this, but I have no concept of what I am or what I look like. From what I can tell I am scary looking for most part and sometimes attractive to people who are attracted to force and power. I've been fetishized as something rough or dangerous, but in truth I see myself as something small. Maybe even fragile, even though I have a great ability to instill fear. Defensive mechanism, maybe? I don't think I'm attractive. I don't think I'm anything but a waiting action. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't like looking into the mirror most of the time.
- I think at least 7 steps ahead of anything. I analyze what can go wrong, may go wrong, and what to do if it ever goes wrong. A price of living in a state of chaos. While most people fall into shock or horror at the worst moments of life, I thrive in them. I know how to start over, pull people out of the end, and even help them move on. I know Damage Control all to well. I'm a survivor, but I do not know how to live.
I'm sure there's more. This just stands out right now.
Since I've been working with someone I've realized that I need to let go. I need to realize that I'm not the one on the front line by myself, but I have people around me. Sadly, I have issues asking friends for help, much less taking it. I've had a few of them attempt and even offer assistance that would amaze more, yet I can't. Or I'm not able. At least not yet.
The one thing that sticks in my head is that my therapist hit this one point where I felt he knew everything. He knew my fatigue. My lack of effort from being "on" for so long. That lack of desire to take any chances or even attempt to make life better for myself. For others, I'd do anything, but for myself I'm more then willing to not exist.
To fade away. To simply not be.
This is what I fight. This is my Secret War. This is my attempt to make something of an existence which I have in any way any idea of. I don't know what's going to happen and I have not idea if I'm going to make it. Or even exist past this. I just know I need to document this and try every day. Some days are good, others are bad, some I curl up in a ball, and few I feel I left it behind me as I run towards.....anywhere.
Above it all, I wonder if I'm alone. Am I? Do I just believe it? Can I trust others to have the same effort I would give them? Can I trust Warn Jets humming at a distance or is it always going to be me dragging myself along, ignoring the jokes of how long it may take me or why I'm not doing this or that. Above all I know I drag something heavy behind me. I know I have people declaring their aid. I know I won't trust it because I had people leave when needed most and even ......yea....even that....
I'm going to try. I'm going to go against 40 years of instinct and "TRY", even if it gets me nothing but ruin. I'm going to ignore everything and just try.
I'm writing this for me. I think it's ok if you see too.
I'm strong, but I'm tired. And it's only getting worse.I won't give up, but I don't know how much longer I can endure. I'm going to try.
I will try.
Please have patience with me. I don't know what I'm doing like a fish walking towards a bike.
I will try.
Maybe by the time this publishes I will feel different. Then I can read this and understand what 's going on....maybe not. I don't know.
If you'll excuse me I'm going to try to make something to eat. Because I need to, I guess. Don't mind the Black Dog.
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