Yea.....little overwhelmed.
I mean, if I am to believe what I've been told I've been living like this all my life. It's almost as if you question fish on how they deal with water. I mean, it's what I know. It's my existence. It's the air I breathe and as close as heartbeats.
I don't know anything else.
I do not know anything else and what I can get from most people in my position they either learned to get out, they've been killed, or they've taken their own lives.
Kinda daunting, no?
It explains why I was planning my exit some years ago, my trust issues, feeling run down and losing my urge to fight. From what I've been told it explains my rash acts when younger and my meticulous actions against any risks and chance of losing anything slowly gained. It's hard thinking 7 steps ahead and it's what I do. It's hard to not calculate every contingency and worse case in my head because when shit happens I know that those few seconds matter the most.
It's living in a continual state of chaos. It's knowing that the few moments I can close my eyes and ......stop......will cost me something and are too far apart. It's why I stick to the shadows, work without having people notice, and leave before thanks are given. I take weeks to recover for moments of great charisma and social grace. I fight moments where I'm force to stand out and rather turn away anyone who blatantly seek me out for their own good rather than my own awkwardness.
I honestly do not know anything else. T.S Eliot called me, and others like me, The Hollow Men. I see myself more as Christophe from The Serpent and the Rainbow, constantly holding watch for those who are buried alive and forgotten. Connected by those with haunted looks paid by prices too costly and annoyed by privileged kinder who have no idea of horror.
This is my element. Like it or not, this is where I was conceived in the abyss of chaos. This is all I know, even if it reduces my life. I'm not like you all and my farce to mimic you have left me questioning what side of the abyss I belong on and why I must pretend to be one of you. My greatest achievement has been limiting my insanity from you all, even though it does spill out. And now, I'm supposed to look at all this and believe that I can exist out side. I can be....one of you. I can be....people.
I don't know. I don't believe. It's as if you told me I didn't need to breathe to exist. I don't know if I can do this.
And tomorrow, I go and see if it's possible of simply something to stagger off to before I can place my marker on one of the three categories previously mentioned.
I have not hope, really. I do not know the definition. All I have is a stubborn streak and a desire to die right. SO I'll stagger in a direction as I always have and see how I will end.
This is horror to you. This is life to me.
It's why we are never meant to live. Survive, yes. Live? No.
So....yea.....that.
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
T.S. Eliot~The Hollow Men
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