I'm going to state the given now so that you can keep in mind that I am not an instinctually intelligent person. I do not understand how many people I come across who for some reason believe me to be some sort of intellectual phenom. That somehow some sort of internal spark of brilliance resides within me that somehow separates me from the rest of the people I meet. Somehow I have an inside track in math. An analytical mind to understand politics, history and social issues that are often masked and even criminal.
What bothers me the most is that the majority of the time I have a certain feeling that I can simply state whatever comes to mind without so much as a fact check, much less a challenge. I've done it before and even watched people sometimes swallow statements I've uttered with tiny errors just to see fi I can be corrected. Often times nothing gets mentioned. So I ramp up the bullshit. Never close to "Avacado" level if only for my own sense of humanity causing me to vomit blood and blie, but close enough for a certain few to actually mention, "wait.....I thought......" and receive a rewarded laugh seeing that someone does see an issue.
I'm going to remind you once more that I am not brilliant. I am not some sort of X-man level brainiac that somehow KNOWS. To be perfectly blunt, I was always considered stupid. Mind you, there was always a consensus among my family that I was some sort of brilliant considering how much stupid crap I've done under the guise of "puckish intelligence". I find this filled with bullshit considering that I'm now considered brilliant and all that stupid shit I've committed was just out of that. No, in truth I may be curious and even inquisitive, but I've always been considered stupid.
S-T-U-P-I-D.
If I have ever redeemed myself it has been because I was placed in a position where I was the only one there, no safety net or backup. Placed in a position where people are not only blatantly called me stupid, but were banking on my stupidity to remain so that I could be the whipping boy for whatever excuse. If I didn't do anything people whose daily life include train wrecks, stupidly criminal actions under the guise of "no choice" and the need to blame someone on Trotsky levels to unite people under their banner to mask their actions.
I fuck with you not!
What are you willing to do when you have no choice or exit. Can you allow people to continue to take from you until the last thing you have, your name, is taken also? Can you allow yourself to be the family joke? The "at least I'm not.." example? Can you allow people closest to you to lose any trust in your ability? Can you take that amount of ridicule that in truth fit the scenario? Would you allow people to write you out and to conclude that all of the ills of life originate from you? Can you live with that?
There is a part of me that will allow you to malign me and treat me as bad as you wish to. There is a part of me that exists that will endure it and allow it. That will let you abuse me in as many ways as one can conceive. Yet, when there are the lives of at stake, I launch myself as a rabid dog. I've always defended my children, friends, family, and others even if I took the worse of it all. I learned to endure and what I could not I medicated as best as I could. I can account decades of allowing this, all with a Zen resolve that the truth will be told one day and I will be vindicated.
Yea......problem is that once it is out often times it's simply ignored. I can state with strong comprehension that my greatest error of my existence was that I remained silent, allowed myself to be used as a shield, all with hopes that somehow someone/thing will come and justify my actions, intents, and defend who I was. Sadly, there was no such savior. One of the reasons why I abandoned religion and actually entered a period of time where I contemplated taking my life, was that the turn the other cheek doctrine that so many people of faith subscribe to cost me so much and solved nothing. Why does God allow horrible things to happen to good people? Because good people for the majority allow it, to themselves and to others all under the faith of something intangible. The belief hinders the actions of good people to defend others and themselves in order to allow others who know a good deal about gaslighting and other manipulative methods to take control of the fate of others all while good people hold true to a standard that the "good guy" does not do this or that. A standard that harms you and shows your ignorance in never being in a fight.
I use the example of a fight because of it, in all honesty, cuts through many assumptions and is actually experimental. My experience in combatives has taught me a lesson that is applicable in many ways. The only reason someone does not fight dirty is because they believe they have that advantage, not the moral high ground. People will only follow rules if and only if they assume the rules are to be accepted. I've have dealt with many opponents and I learned that in order to ensure my safety and theirs to an extent I must place my influence upon them immediately and must take full advantage of the situation. If not the x factor that results in the worse situation for myself and others is increased phenomenally. You must take full advantage of the situation and use every means to take full control and dominate the situation so that you CAN implement your ideals of a moral high ground. It will not be assumed. I know this from hard questions asked, training, and knowing if I am in a nightmare situation where I have a gun pointed at me, I know that I can not shoot that individual for MY moral high ground. And yet, I am resolved in being as "dirty" as possible in order to remove that weapon and to cause as much damage to the individual where they can not use that weapon and my choice of abstinence will not cost me. Everything is an assumption and knowing that I must take full resolve to take control of the situation.
If you do not take control of the situation you can not dictate the moral high ground and you can be certain that those who do control the situation will not agree to your definition of it. If anything I've learned this past October that I must struggle with the choice of taking control of my situation after decades of allowing others to dictate how things are. I was a victim for the majority of my life and have sacrificed much in hopes to protect others. A lesson I've learned through hard effort and sitting in a small room with on of the two people I struggle to trust. In this action, I learned that my concept of trust is skewed and dangerous. It's something that I need to redefine under new terms that are beyond difficult for me. I must struggle now with learning to live in a normal world with a definition of normality that is not my own. I must open up when my experiences dictate that that is how the wrong people take hold of you. I have to face the idea that "the Jackels" do not exist anymore, or perhaps they never had. Hard to when you're this scarred, but something that is needed to move on into living rather than existing.
I have to learn to take control of the situation, exert my dominance and state my moral high ground all while dropping defenses, allowing myself to relax and to know that the seven times I think and analyze every statement and thought shared may just be a bit overkill in a word with #TheMostGloriousofDumpsterFires.
This is difficult for me. It's something I've never done and it limits everything that associate as being human. I have no other choices in the matter outside of taking my life or continue to endure the same way before I take my life. I can not live in such a manner anymore simply because my act of resistance is poisonous to me now. This is what I'm working on. This is why I am alone and secluded. This is why I sit in that small room and expose my fears and dreads to someone who I honestly hope will not tear me apart as "the Jackels" would and have.
I don't have anything else to say outside that I'm trying. I don't even know if I can get out of this. I just know I have to try since I have no other viable solutions at the moment. I've lived and endured to the point when I was past due on principle alone.
I'm trying. I honestly am.
1,562 words, one hour.
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