Dismantling the Machine, Part 2: The Horrors of just being Social

I'm at work on a Monday. I'm doing this because a friend of mine is popping in from Northern Cali and when she does show up it normally is a whirlwind of activity that honestly taxes my introverted nature. She's a good friend and a pleasure to be around, yet when she comes in she's on the move on a campaign of doing all the things that usually results with some things being cut out at the last minute. This Friday her and a few friends have run about planned with a cherry of a topper of hitting the classy bar. An even that for certain reasons or another I have always missed out, usually due to illness. Well, this Friday I'm game. I'm moving Friday to Monday at work which sandwiches my Crazy Doc day and gives me Thursday to Friday with her and a total of four more days to have to myself.

Awesome, no?

Why am I dreading it then?

There is a slow dread of a social activity that looms ahead with some time, usually, a wedding or party that somehow I was privy to know at least months in advance to prepare. Some days I can just let it sneak up on me and just head up. Others I almost welcome sickness in giving my the excuse to bow out. Other times, I force myself and carry certain things to occupy myself past those odd moments where I wish I was invisible with an adequate amount of time to walk off and have a breather. This event is different. I can usually stomach the running about, having lunch or consuming alcohol. Yet I have to dress up for the night out. In people clothes. To be fancy and simply hang about and just be. I have to be social, not just people social, but fancy time out social. Wear a tie social. Be charming social. Be witty and charming social.

So, yea a bit of dread.

It's not that I can't do it, it's.......I don't know. It's not that I don't know these people or care for them, it's just ......I don't know. It's not that I can't have a good time, it's just.....I don't know. I'm on edge. Like October on edge. I'm looking at this moment, not like a fun time out, but as a challenge. That I can handle this. That I'm not really dysfunctional. Just.....I don't know.

I have dread and I don't know why. I can not explain to you how alien this all is. This should be fun. I used to have fun and declare my time a good day to die and let all the chips fall as they may, but here I'm cautious. I'm nervous and awkward, I can't fucking believe I feel awkward, out of all the people on the planet, I feel awkward. Why is this a thing?

And of course, I don't know. I wish that I can simply wave my hand off with this as if it's just a gnat that gotten too close and has no place with me and my time, and yet.....I don't know. Is it that I have no control over the situation? That it's "different" or simply me being a bit more......undefensive. Do I associate suit time with my inner Man of Stone persona or personal security days? Or am I concerned with being.....off......odd......weird?

But these people know that. I'm always off, odd and weird. Hell, I was formed in the rivers of Off, Odd, and Weird. What am I dealing with? I'm not sure and I'm kind of happy that tomorrow is Crazy Doc day. I'll just walk in, dump it on the floor and say, "This.....make this better!"

Ha ha.....I doubt it. It has something to do with being any degree of intimate or closeness with anyone because I'd rather not. I have my reasons and I have my Crazy reasons, but they're stupid. I know they're stupid. Yet, I can almost feel the crowds. I can almost feel the people and the factors of WTF that can happen. The chances of anything can happen. I'm not in charge there, but I'd be comfortable knowing if I was. But I need to calm the fuck down and just have a good time as if saying that will make it so.

I'm over thinking! That's the problem! I need to mellow out! But how? I'm not going to booze it and I still am too exposed to deal with people. Hell, I've been in some respect avoiding people because of feeling exposed and open. I know you need this, but I have no good connotation with these things and being open and exposed usually get me in trouble.....or hurt. I just need to ignore it.

As if I can.

So, I have until Friday to just, mellow out......find some sort of mental peace of mind and just let them the chips fall as they will....and be ok with that. Simply be fine with any of that. I've done it before and alone which granted my attempts against something I know is difficult to me great rewards. And yet, I don't want to treat this moment as a challenge. I just want to go out, with friends, and be ok and maybe fucking enjoy myself. I know it's too much to ask, but doesn't my history of accomplishments and beating down past challenges give me any form of emotional stay or protection for this? It's so fucking surreal being awkward and emotionally weak when I've pushed beyond the hells that others have chosen as impossible.

Why is trying to be people so difficult for me? Why is this the thing I have the worst fears towards? I can sacrifice, but yield no rewards to it. I can bleed but never heal. I can put work in, but not bask in the glory of the moment won. It's not fair in any way or reason.

*sigh*

I have until Friday. I can do this.

I just wish I didn't have to, because......I don't know or even deal with something as stupid as this.

30 minutes, 1,028 words.