Torn Down

I feel a little overexposed today. Almost as if the walls I built up decades ago have been ripped down leaving me exposed. And yet, I am not too worried. I know I'm going to have to put them up in time and I'm seriously questioning why and how safe I have to feel to go outside and deal with the world and yet I know two things for certain. One, I feel lighter. Almost worry free as if I can actually walk out and not have to be three to four steps ahead anymore. Maybe just two. And two, I came back home late, ate a bit and passed out into dreamless sleep. Sleep that I rarely have and mostly cherish.

The only drawback is that for once in my life I think I want to be near people. I think I want to be close. I think I want to be touched. And I think I want to be held. Not a desire, but more of a need such as eating to eat instead of for pleasure. This is how I feel and in truth it frightens me and it is making me feel I need others around me, something that I don't subscribe to for numerous reasons of my own.

So I'm staying in today. I'm going to reflect and grok this new feeling of vulnerability just for a small while until I can deal with it functionally or until heavy shit comes my way and forces me to go back to survival mode and go back on damage control.

And I think that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I will be people again and never have to be defensive. Or worse off, I'm actually terrified that I'm going to have to build it back up and stronger to continue to exist in this harsh world. Mind you, I'm not depressed, this is just "the cost we have chosen to pay to see tomorrow". "Secret wars" are over, but their scars run deep.

So.......yea.

Peace and love to you.

.....love you all.

Shower Epiphany: Angry, but not hateful.

I come to realize that I'm always going to be angry, but I come to realize that I lost any hatred. My anger is a response to everything I've lived and is a great filter to what is right and what is wrong. It's always at a low simmer ready to spike, but it's not self destructive anymore. I lost that hatred. I lost that rage that made me not care, made me willing to sacrifice anything and everything to get through, and willing to take so much .....damage....

So now, I realize I lost alot. I'm what Conrad had called a "paper mache Mephistopheles" and not of my making. I've come to realize that it's probably the hardest thing for me to be vulnerable since many of you say I'm somewhat killing myself trying to always be on guard. I know I'm lacking alot of....humanity....simply because its where they hit you. It's where they attack and twist the knife. A reaction of survival that I've come to realize that I paid too much than a half pound of flesh close to the the heart.

And yet, the hatred is gone. I've come to realize that walking a small dog in the summer heat wondering if her feet are getting burned so I remove my sandals. I pick her up and go back home when she wants to convey that she want to go back to an air conditioned place rather than being in close 90 degree heat. And yet, there is a tenderness that was lost when I was separated from my children. A glitch that makes me question to show a tender side openly, without fear of being attacked for it.

In time I can be whole or whole enough. Enough not to feel that I stand out. Soon.

The Echos within the song, tells the story of Two Women

Two women in my life. Both I loved. One tore me apart and left me empty and shattered. The other loved me every way possible until we had to go separate ways.

I feel their echos tonight.

One I realize I still love in a horrifying and disgusting way. She meant/means the world to me, even though she isn't near. She left some time ago and made sure that she salted the ground of her exodus. She made me to doubt myself while I wanted no one but her. She left me feeling used and worthless. She left me feeling like a whore, unworthy of time, effort and love. She left me hating myself to ever having to love her. She was the world to me and in the end she took it with her. In the end she left and made certain that would not even cherish the memory of her without cringing on what she left. I can not even smile at a happy moment between us without feeling choked up at how it ended, or how she ended it.....

.....or what she did. 

And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken. 

If someone was used to being struck strikes another out of habit or reflex is it still pardonable? Was is being accidental still not as hurtful? Is how she cut your heart out not as hurtful or damaging? Or destroying what little faith you have in others just as crippling? Is it pardonable because someone else is better? Or you were just there to pass the time? Or in the end it was all a regret and you were never supposed to be important to her? That .....regret? What hurts more: the injury or the salting the wound?

That wound still healed though. That wound is nasty to look at and hurtful. That wound still causes a twinge of pain when it's cold and it still make you wonder if it will ever function again. It introduces doubt that anyone else so close can harm you again in that way. I guess she wanted to make certain she was the last woman I loved.

....because if that's the case, she's right.

And yet, there is another. I remember her in the emptiness of the night as I drive through the maze of the city. I wonder if the we listened to the song together or if the singer's sweet and loving voice reminds me of her. How she drove to me. How she picked my shattered self from the floor knowing that I receded into the depths of my mind and suffering with no senses on the outside. And yet, she loved me. Tenderly and with meaning. She fed the trust when I didn't want anything ever again. She held me close with a dedication that I should not cause more harm to myself that someone has already committed upon me. She remained there slowly feeding small morsels of joy and kindness into a selfish and pain creature who wanted nothing more than to die of shame of needing another. She loved me and pulled me close because she knew I could not make the words come out from such a hideous wound. She offered compassion and understanding even though she knew I would stumble and fall. 

I remember asking her why is she even trying. Why is she wasting her time with me. She told me that I would understand one day and that day I would remember her. That she was simply doing what someone has done for her and in the end isn't that enough?

I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired. 

Isn't it?

And so, I feel alone, empty, shattered and heartbroken. 

I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired. 

One case I fear getting close to any one for fear of doing what she had done to me in the guise of hurting her and leaving me needing someone who crushed my heart and made sure she was the last woman in my life. In the other I feel one can only hold a torch for so long without lighting yourself on fire and at that point you deserve to be on fire. So drop that shit and reach out in pain and fear and love anyways. Make sure she isn't the last one in my life and to make certain that I make sure that the salted earth left behind blooms brighter than before. 

So I feel alone, empty and heartbroken. I also feel warm, loved, cared for and inspired.

Above all I feel alive now and that's all I need.