Shower Epiphany: Angry, but not hateful.

I come to realize that I'm always going to be angry, but I come to realize that I lost any hatred. My anger is a response to everything I've lived and is a great filter to what is right and what is wrong. It's always at a low simmer ready to spike, but it's not self destructive anymore. I lost that hatred. I lost that rage that made me not care, made me willing to sacrifice anything and everything to get through, and willing to take so much .....damage....

So now, I realize I lost alot. I'm what Conrad had called a "paper mache Mephistopheles" and not of my making. I've come to realize that it's probably the hardest thing for me to be vulnerable since many of you say I'm somewhat killing myself trying to always be on guard. I know I'm lacking alot of....humanity....simply because its where they hit you. It's where they attack and twist the knife. A reaction of survival that I've come to realize that I paid too much than a half pound of flesh close to the the heart.

And yet, the hatred is gone. I've come to realize that walking a small dog in the summer heat wondering if her feet are getting burned so I remove my sandals. I pick her up and go back home when she wants to convey that she want to go back to an air conditioned place rather than being in close 90 degree heat. And yet, there is a tenderness that was lost when I was separated from my children. A glitch that makes me question to show a tender side openly, without fear of being attacked for it.

In time I can be whole or whole enough. Enough not to feel that I stand out. Soon.