Shower Epiphany: The horror of "love"

Started to play with the idea that when people want me to "love" them what they're asking for is something beyond unconditional love. Something that somehow permits them to do as they wish, have the support that I give, and no obligations towards the consequences and responsibilities attached to the results of their said actions.

To begin with I don't have that in me. I don't have that ability to watch someone hurt themselves on the guise of following a dream or wanting to make someone/thing/idea better. I stop doing this to myself when I ended up holding a crying woman who was bawling in my arms and the realization hit me that I knew nothing about her. I knew no one damn thing about her to place myself in that position. Yes, I care about people. Yes, I would do almost anything for those I am affectionate to and yet, I am not one to suffer for the sake of suffering. I'm not one to force myself to endure hell on one's behalf simply to be "supportive".

I learned something about human beings from my small time here. If you promise people the world, you will see who they really are. If you say you will give them anything they want they will show you who they are. It's like watching a selfish child stuff candy in their pockets when realizing the candy dish is free. If you can get anything you want without putting anything into it, why not? If you can take full advantage of everything someone has to offer with minimum or no required return why not take them to the bank?

Ever noticed people who get conned usually these kind of people?

So no, I am not someone who gives freely simply because I end up finding people who will take everything. I learned to give them an idea of love in which they thing I'm supportive, kind, and "loving" with in truth it's none of these things. What they want is a shallow nod, and encouraging "of course" and no critique what so ever. People want kindling for the fires they can not feed. They want to do what is harmful to themselves and use what ever they can to make it happen without someone simply stating that this is harmful.

That's not me.

People somehow want me without me. They want me saying yes, when my answer is no. They want me cheering when I should be yelling for them to stop. They want to know that I completely agree with their choices and to comfort them when they are harming themselves and also subscribe to the noting that none of this horror is happening. They have a twisted sense of love that is as fictitious as turning lead into gold. It can't be done. It's impossible and yet, if you BELIEVE enough it can happen.

I have to say that the word that frightens me off with faith. When I can could faith in the vocabulary of people numerous times I know I have to get away unless I am dragged into a vortex of hell and suffering that they assume would bring answers and happiness once someone, read me, have once paid in full. People want me to cheer and support without any concept of tactics, negativity, analysis or discussion. People I love understand that I am vocal and cruelly blunt when it is necessary.  I am not a gambler. Gamblers have something to lose because no value for what they have. I have lost too much in my life to take any gambles. I calculate, save, check my math, beg for criticism, and question my own doubts in case I have a risk unseen. I weigh the pros to cons, understand the returns to investments and understand how one error can end it all. I am miserly with my money, cheap with my own time, and stingy with my basking in my own praise. I'm  not one for taking compliments simply because what progress you see means just a rung in my ladder and I am too far behind to appreciate my accomplishments. I don't praise myself, I push myself. I don't celebrate, I go back to work. I don't take a day off, I am force to take mental heath days and sick days.

And that is just on what I put myself through.

Others I'm much more kinder, yet not as yielding as one would think. I ask hard question not because I want to hurt others, but I want them able to defend themselves in the moments I can not reach them. I want to know their argument is airtight so that it becomes reason instead of an argument. I never want to see them apologize for their mistakes, but learn form them. I want to see people through and would stand against anything they have coming towards them, but I want them to work AS HARD IF NOT HARDER then I would. I give my all to those who need it because they need the help back up not because they need.

I'm not an enabler.

Not anymore anyways and I'm not going to be forced back into one.

That's not love. That's just hell.