Shower Epiphany: When sacrifices survive

I've finally found the root. The reason why I never trust people, keep my distance and I constantly ask, "why are we friends".

I finally understand. Why I feel disposable, worthless, and suicidal in the way where I don't care what comes to end rather than taking my own life. I know why I'm dangerous and why I would rather exist like this than to live. Why I really do not see my value as anything good and my only penance is to do something good every day and to learn something I didn't know every day.

Why I value others more than I will ever value myself. Why I laugh when other think I should be crying. Why I look over my shoulder, trust no one, know that I'm only as valuable as my usefulness and even that will go away. Why I push hard, break myself against the world and why I do not feel pain.

I don't think I will last too long if I keep this up. And so I'm trying to change. Never for my sake, but because I have a hunch people need me for a bit longer. To be honest, if it was up to me I'd would have left a long time ago. I'm just that fucking stubborn and it's what others would have wanted me to do.

So only on my terms. For now, only on my terms.

Please don't give me any more interventions or tell me how I matter to you. They're not helping. I have to work through this alone.

You can not save the dead. There is not purpose.

.....

Oh.....and I know YOU are reading this somehow.

I'm not going to help you.

If you want to "do that" to me, I'm going to fight you tooth and nail. I'm going to fight you until I can not fight anymore, even if it's what I want the most.

I'm not going to make it easy for you.

I hate you that much.