December

December is a hard month for me.

It's a month filled with so much bad history. Most of the shit that has hit me the worse has come from December. It's a month that claimed the lives of several mentors as well as taken the lives of a few friends. It's a month that I had my worst moments in life and the echos never seem to diminish. It's a month where ghosts of my past become stronger and they have their moments until I am able to survive till January. It's a time where my survivor's guilt is heavy and I question the thoughts once more that plague me randomly and I try to find what is it that has changed. I now realize that all my good deeds I attempt to do and all the love and kindness I give is used to help me this month. It helps me convince myself that I am making a change in myself and in anyone I meet. That in the end there will be people who will out shout the people who will condemn me for something I was, I try never to be, and what I work so hard to make amends to.

Or perhaps that is all in my head?

It's a month where everyone you meet feign concern, love, peace and kindness in the approved manner of giving gifts that have cost them much to people they have very little concern for. It's a month where everyone places a farce of caring and giving while the rest of the year is spent taking away and "getting mine". It's a time where hypocrisy is thick and I'm simply not the right person to fake anything I do not have simply because it will ruin a fabricated and highly staged moment with people who honestly have not kindness and warm regards towards myself or others. As if some unspoken rule that states that one must speak of the dead with kindness and love instead of stating what they had built with their hands in the same manner I'm supposed to wish someone well for hell they had wroth the rest of the year.

Sorry, I am not able to lie very well nor do I want to learn how to correct that. So I'm simply not on for the hypocrisy. I am not happy this time nor do I carry great hopes. I may seem normal, but I am not one to suffer in public not in open. I shout for those who have no voice, not to complain for what ails me since I know too well others have suffered more and seem to move on well. And yet, not I. Why do I always return here? Why am I hardest on myself and why do not ask for sympathy nor kindness this month.

....


I thank you for your kindness. I honestly do. I simply can not break down as you would expect because I am always carrying weight that must be held up. I appreciate the distraction and the ability to mayhaps laugh as if I'm fine for the moment. It's a hard month and I do what I can to survive it. Thank you for caring and thank you for pulling me in when I struggle to be let go. I'm not doing well and that is all me. Not a reflection of the kind and loving people who try to reach me. I have a horrible feeling that I will affect you with the hell that I am afflicted with and that would horrify me, so I do not reach out to you. I simply suffer through in silence and call it my penance.

And yet I will ask for help in the meekest voice hoping you do not hear so that I can know that I at least tried in a manner that I can say was an attempt.......a horrible one that is more of an excuse, but I count it anyways.

I'm trying. I really am. I want you to know that. I have good days and I have bad ones. Every day is a battle. I just try to do good, be kind, and love as much as I am able to while keeping my distance. I'm not asking for help. I'm simply explaining myself if you seem me particularly distant and cold. It's never you. It's all in my head. My circle helps. Alot.

Ok......I have to find motivation to move. I'll talk to you later.

Promise.