umm bah boom bah bay day
The wet air seems to cling to me like small weights as my legs drive into cracked asphalt and grass-less dirt. Bowie and Freddie take turns pleading their case on what the meaning of love is as lungs scream and mind race. I always had a special place for this song. If there could be anything to represent my drive in this world it would be this. Somehow I'm always fighting someone else's cause over my own crusades. Perhaps it's because I want to have a victory that is not muddled with confusion or pain. Perhaps I simply believed that my causes are selfish and not worth a lifetime to conquer. Either way, Bowie drives my own argument now. So simple really.
And yet there is always complexity to my simplicity. It's why I never do well in scan tron tests while usually gain the extra points in essays. To give you an idea on how deep the rabbit hole goes, when asked where we get the energy I usually answer nuclear energy instead of food or even my beloved ATP. After all, does not the Sun provide for all and even gives us it's merciful rays to endure the darkness of the world? It's not a mystery why my ancestors either worshiped the Sun or lived in lands where it's daily devotion was mandatory if not needed on survival. I know, I'm avoiding and dodging the issue at hand, but if I run fast enough it won't matter.
Pressing down on you, no man asks for
Did I mention how a young revolutionary tried to place me on the spot? What is it about those who come late to the party that somehow believe that we've been waiting on them or at least holding back? I was kind. I didn't tell him that the revolution has failed me or others. I didn't not mention how the real men and women in the trenches don't wear the party colors or even scream out loud the ideals anymore, but we work in silence and without disruption of any kind. Ego has long been removed and we tire of getting laid for the price of mindless rhetoric. I simply pointed at the smallest of the scars and told him to blog that shit. He continued to read off points as I simply walked away as I've done so many times now. It's much easier than to argue a point that is never heard.
What this world is about
Lungs scream now as I struggle to push breath into tight valves. I have to remind myself that it's more than enough oxygen and that I need to relax instead of giving into the drowning feeling. Ignore the sparkle fairies declaring Neverland has lost it's monarch and just keep driving on. Push through weakness and drive fear away. The extra step I maneuvered to avoid the remains of kibble it seems has off balanced me and given me the rush of adrenalin I needed to push more. The world can not do to me what I already do to myself. It's a sketchy victory, but I rather see my opponent not succeed than for me to taste hard earned fruit. I've given up on a moment in the Sun, but you will not have yours either.
Screaming let me out
I've been planning my exit for this December. I figured that I seen enough and that what I could not accomplish in this much time simply demands a change of the guard. Sometimes we can not fight the endless crusade without the loss of morale. Sun Tzu knew this well and knew any extended campaign will only hurt us in the end. I've already modified the rules of engagement and victory as I said mention before as I jump over to avoid sewer water. Amazing what a few nights of insomnia can produce in thought. My concepts of immortality and victory has forever changed at a small price when I come to think of it. No crossroads meeting or nasty legal jargon to work with when you do it yourself really. Pretty good run if I come to think of it. I've made a decent mark and things seem to be working themselves on their own at this point.
These are the days
I'm starting to slow down. I'm starting to feel the weight of it all as my steps become slow and laborious. It's funny how I always looked for what I can do over what can not be done. As a friend remarked whist we ate with well earned fervor that the solution to almost everything is push-ups. As simple as it is it's just as right as Nuclear power. I'm for it by the way as long as it's in the depth of space. It always work really. Lately my simple solution to all is to run. School is getting harder? Run. Issues with those who want a place back in my life? Run. Pain in my leg and fear of another clot? Run. Finding patterns in my actions and understanding how Frisco was the last straw? Run. Tired of running? Run. Simple and effective really.
People on streets
I've been dealing with my low self esteem and I've been finding some oddities in the logic. I know I'm not pretty to look at or even that talented. It's something most men live with when we can't start a conversation with "Hallo, I'm Brad Pit." And yet it seems I've attracted a good grouping of women around me. One guy compared it to a follow that some Midwest cult leaders enjoy, yet my quick rebuttal has been that following me is like following Forest Gump after he stopped running. Kind of tough looking in the mirror these days seeing how far I've come and how far I must go to simply heal myself. And yet, mirror always have a way of lying. It's hard to deal with the idea of my own attractiveness when I'm always living the same pattern of not being wanted after two years or so or when my use if not needed only to have people look for me later on. I never understood my worth as a human being when I'm desirable at first then tossed out as useless only to have people recant and realize that I am worth something, usually after the guy dumps them or uses them in the same fashion. It's easier to give up and just consider these individuals as mad. After all, if I was worth anything in this world I would have known it by now.
But it's so slashed and torn
Almost done right now. Just running the last leg of it all as I spot KFC and Winchell's. The pain in my leg has rescinded as the running high kicks in. It's tough to believe that I could not run at all a while ago. It's been keeping me intrigued and I'd like to see if I can get my resting heart rate down to 50 even though it's already at an impressive rate now. I'm in love with the human body. I can't believe how delicate and fragile we are and yet we are able to endure almost everything imaginable. If you broaden your view to a few thousand years you can see how our existence has changed the world. I could see it in negative terms, yet understanding that our time is not promised as those who walked before have experienced that extinctions is natures way of putting a patient child in a swing. I think our time is magnificent and if we include that out bodies are made of star dust with the dust of one hand different than the other it not only proves our divinity, but humbles us at the same time. I know it's still a flimsy theory, but I like the idea that we came from Mars. It kind of puts us in universal perspective. Hmmm.....I should listen to more Moby. Maybe he'll pull me out of this.
And love dares you to change our way
I think things will work out in the end. I could not understand why I was so angry in the first place. Perhaps I've made myself more important than I really am. Perhaps I've lied to myself and thought I could make a difference with in truth what will come to pass will and with or without me life will flourish and move on. Contrary to Kanye and TV, we are not that influential if we think about it. I can either try my best to convince others that I'm as important as I think I am or I can simply smile and just live in the moment. Enjoy what time I have as if it's my last. After all, you can either push forward for another day to push forwards through also or we can simple let the lingering taste of something sweet linger for a moment longer with no thought of it's end. I think it makes it worth it all really. I mean, what is worth the beginning without the end? How can we start again if we can never take our bows and wave to our 4th wall. for only an instance. It's really a matter of time and space. Hmmm.....I've always love physics.
This is our last dance
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