With elbow in my ear and a fading buzz I try to attempt to write what I can not normally say in Inner Circle. either way, I must say with my liquid boldness whist my blood is a liter low and I'm three into my pints.
Driving home I can feel my mind slumbering and my inhibitions lessen as the pints in me or the moon simply rise high. Perhaps I'm just making excuses. I'm not one to hide behind excuses and to say that liquor or my inner nature has overwhelmed me in any ways, so saying what I say will only sound as a paradox is you do not know me well enough, but will make sense if you know my mind.
.....or is it heart. Nah, not enough people know that.
I'm going to admit some things that I rather not simply because I'm not able to move on and be in conflict with myself. In the end it has brought me some peace of mind and have lead to my understanding to my role in life and yet has always caused me some heartache in the end. If you can learn from me then I invite you to, cause I still wrestle with myself.
1. I've learned to understand women as elements of nature rather than people. I can say this from my dearest friend and muse from Miami that women, not little girls, are like elements of nature. You can not control the wind, it simply moves. You can not control the lighting but simply knee to it's raw power. Real women are not owned or can be contained in the the border in which man demands them to reside. When they try they only become crushed by the wrath of nature. If you love a real woman know that there are times when raw power will be unleashed and times in which the calm will always lull a weak man asleep. Your love should be powerful enough or simply sit down and let the elements wash over you.
2. There is always a risk in loving someone or even desiring them. Regardless of how you may feel know that there are those who will break your heart and will crush you where you stand. If you are weak and can not understand how to love you will be torn asunder and left abandoned. Yet if you understand that you love the elements of nature you know that that chance to race lightning is worth the action and not regret to love even if your love will never be returned. You must love them for the act of love rather than to love who they are. If you honestly understand you can let go before your heart burst and love again soon as on is worthy enough for the task.
3. You must understand that some that you love will not understand your love, even though they tear you apart. Women will always move and act on impulse that is of their own accord and controlling their hearts is as if you can command the lightning itself. Some will take all that you give an abandon you when you lose your shine or purpose. You will be left in the rubble of what you build whilst they find what they fancy and seek to satisfy what secret council they listen to and what they call logic and truth. All you can do is lick your deep wounds and move on. If you meant anything to them they will return. They will realize that you meant the most to them and that you offered a love that can not be found elsewhere. If your heart is open enough and secured you can have them return and understand how you have always been in their corner.
4. If you honestly are in tuned with your own nature you will understand that loving someone was never a waste. That you gave them the best of yourself when possible and regardless of what they seen you have given then what you could. No regrets and no shame.
In stating everything above I have to admit as much as I try to comply with the following that I do not have the best track record with love. In truth, I carry more scars internally than I do outwardly. I'm beyond flawed in letting those who I've loved their freedom and allowing them to item and time again to place a dagger of betrayal into me without so much as a whimper. To know that regardless what I give in return will not be of value until I have left them and others have reduced them to what I may have found in the fist place if lucky.
I know as I stare at my reflection that I will never attract those around me on looks alone. I always knew it as a hindrance and even though I've been told that my eyes captivate and my smile bring savage feelings that lie deeply dormant, I will never woo a woman simply with my photo. Silence will never be my best foot forward.
As on ex once said before I left her crying and declaring that my parents had me out of wedlock that am someone that grow on the mind. Someone that loves freely and grow the confidence to make them whole and to take risks even if the risks become sleeping with someone else that I appreciate their new found sexuality and confidence. I'm a battery and have always made those around me feel beautiful and loved.
As much as I can smile and place my heart on the open, I know that I keep those closest away and do what ever I can to keep those who want me further. I've had enough heartache for one existence. I've have taken more than enough risks and I've done more than my share of hold those who needed me there. I've left nodding that I understand whist lying in my horrid way that only the blind or selfish could not notice. I'm safer playing the secondary roles of Hero, Brother, Champion, Sacrifice, Wing man, and Friend. I can not take another form of rejection and heart break with my heart on the line. I can not gamble another sharp pain or even another late night call calling me a bastard.......like now.......
I tried to love you, then as I now try to understand you, but you will only tear me apart in order to find peace and the fool I am I will let you. I will hand you my heart and smile as you tear it apart and smile in my lost face. I will let you make me yearn for you as your ego is sated. I will hold you, caress you, bring you on ends of passion as I know I will leave used, unloved and empty in order for you to sleep well. And I will watch you leave me and smile and promise who we will be together again and that this distance, regardless if it's 348 miles or simply next to you. I will not reach for you, but my nature will comfort you. I will not whisper that I love you but I will fall under your banner. I will never tell you how you mean so much about me as you crave the touch of someone else simply because it makes you happy.
....and I can not......even when you threaten me to return.
I'm sorry, but I have to protect me. I'm not as strong as I'm not as durable as I lead you to believe. I look as if I'm made of stone and yet I bleed so deep with so many small and mindless actions. It's best to survive that I'm not worthy of you cause my track score says so. That I'm only good enough to hold you while you cry in my arms over what someone else has done to your heart only to choke down on my own tears.
I look to the time and see that I'm not only influenced by a foolish moon, but I'm now free from a courage that weakens my logical thought and allows me to commit bold actions without considering how I will pay for them in time. So I shall bid you goodnight and retreat to the recesses of my subconscious and dreams that I will forget in the twilight of awakening thought. So I write you this if you ever wondered why I refused to reach out and take a chance to make you happy. It's a role that I know I will not survive again.
.... "They got locks on the gate".....
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