Loving Bastard

Sitting in the Summer sun in the main courtyard, he pulled out his food from a brown bag when he noticed the first group coming towards him. A few of them dare come closer, now accustomed to this daily routine. He stopped eating fries for more than 6 years already and he's gotten used to not wanting them, but still gets them especially now. He's already given up reading around this time.

This would be one of the few moments of peace he would see again.

Some of the more impatient ones are already close enough to touch as he pulls his sandwich from the bag. Next time he'll ask for no bag. He feels guilty only walking 40 paces (and yes he did count them since this does bother him) to only toss the bag out. Such a waste he thinks as he takes a bite and then sips his soda. The noise is already loud enough to make some people look in between their conversations and pompous serenades. Not everyone should carry a guitar.

He ate the first two as usual, as the others protest more. He then sees the others tossing a fry here and there, noting the more selfish ones and which ones have their meals taken from them. he corrects this by tossing larger fries to the smaller ones. Little by little their songs become silent as they all eat in the summer sun. Soon the larger seagulls will come and spoil this small tranquil moment, but for now they all eat together.

Some people take pictures as others smile and walk on. No one stops and talk in fear of spoiling this moment. It doesn't matter since he's still not the most talkative person at the moment. He still has a lot on his mind as he wonders what needs to be done and the cost of such actions. He keeps asking if he loves her enough to do this even though he already knows the answer. It's at this moment he will discover one of life's hard lessons. It will return to haunt him as he wonders if the means are equal to the result and is the cost worth the effort.

"Some one has to do it."

The cold mind returns.

"I wonder if I can two green chilies next time. What do you think?"

The small bird chirps in anger as the Seagulls finally come in to take the spoils away. He tosses more fries to them in one direction while flocking the smaller birds to the other side. When he's done he'll tear chunks of wheat bun to them until it's time for him to enter the new class room behind him and struggle with Avogadro's number.

He runs down to the bus stop and gets on the 8 as planned. Taking a seat near the end the empty bus waits a few minutes as he gets off it again. He walks to the small park near his parked car. Not many cars are here at this time as most of the students have already left for the day.

Walking to the trash can he takes off the hoodie and pushes it to the bottom of the can. Someone will rummage through it and will make it theirs. They won't mind that it's a little bloody especially since black hides it well. Inside the pocket is the wallet with a bit of cash in it and the other forms of identification and credit cards. He took only what was needed and made sure to leave no evidence behind. On his drive home he'll toss the shoes into a different dumpster along the way. A freeway drive home and he'll toss the rest of the clothes in the Goodwill bin and drive up to the gym. He'll work out for a few hours and then drive home to pick up his father and get him to work my 4:45am. He'll sleep a few hours more and then get to school by 11am.

Nothing happened.

He drives on wondering if he should get a burger and a Red Bull now or closer to home.

He meets her for coffee at a small shop. She's going to UC San Diego in a few days and is moving down. He has a hunch he won't see her again even though she says that she'll drive up. They've gotten close in the past year or so. They spend their free moments when they can and forget their worries and troubles for a moment or two. Together they are different people. Their past are erased and they become who they wish to be or who they most want to be at that moment. She has already gathered at least two of his keys. She has the uncanny way of making him laugh and even stolen a kiss or two without him knowing. She will always be remembered as the one who used a cookie to sleep with him.

And yet, they knew that this would never last. It's not the kind of thing that lasted the test of time, but was a moment of peaceful and loving solitude. A moment to be someone else with someone else. They in truth were broken people who found each other in hopes to heal. He held her one night as she cried into his chest. He held her as she told her story about the moment she would not be whole again. She recalled the moment in detail as a special moment turned into horror. It wasn't the four letter word. They were dating at the time. She loved him. She wrote his name hundred of times in notebooks, went to homecoming, family dinners, and were a couple. She loved him. She still loved him.

Even when he gave her the money and went by herself to the clinic. She loved him afterward when she came home feeling hollow and hurt. She loved him even after the break up and even some times when their families get together for the holidays. She still loved him. She kept telling the young man that she still loved him as she cried in his arms. She cried and she still loved him.

"Tell me his name."

She was a little late. She sat down and started into the story before saying anything. She mentioned how a few weeks ago He was mugged in the parking lot. How her and her family went over to see him. How he was attacked while leaving work and no one saw. How the mugger took the wallet and then decided to him in the face with a crowbar. He lost a few teeth.

She went on for a while as he sipped fresh roasted amaretto. She then went on and on about the madness of moving and enrolling. San Diego was beautiful and how she could go over the boarder to party in TJ and how she already found a few places I would just love and even a replacement to our coffee shop.

Then the talking stopped.

She stared at him as he slide over a driver's license. Her eyes gotten large as she stared at him. Stared at him as if she realized she let an animal loose. He took in her stare while holding the large warm coffee mug. Jennifer has started the roaster once again in the back room. She shook her head no and then asked why.

He wanted to say, "You wanted him to hurt. You cried in my arms and wanted him to hurt as he hurt you. You wanted him to suffer as you suffer. You wanted him to realize he took something from you that keeps you from being whole. " Instead he understood that there must always be someone to do the things that others will not. There must always be someone out of view to do what needs to be done. There must always be one person to do the dirty work. Someone to toss into the fire. Someone to be cannon fodder when the need arises. In the end, there must always be a scape goat. Instead he said the words that he would say countless times.

"No one fucks with people I love".

She leaves. She calls him a bastard as she walks out. He sits there and realizes that even though he lost her permanently he doesn't regret a thing. He gets up after a few minutes and walks to his car. He then tosses a tooth into the gutter. He never sees her again.

A few weeks later he does get an email. With only two words on it, it finally hits him that there is someone out there he loves that he will never see again. There would be more to follow.