6 to 9 feet

I'm going to start this off easy for most of you simply because the logic further on will bend and twist along the way and there for I'll warn you now and place the answer to it all in your hands now so that when things get a bit surreal you can always look at what you are holding on to.

I trust no one.

I've learned early in life that I have the uncanny ability to lie horribly. I can not lie to someone to save any of our lives, yet just as some develop methods of survival when they lose something that would make life easier, I've learned the magnificent art of shuffling words and playing with the long lost art of the innuendo. So that when some bring me loaded questions with maliciously silent motives I've learn to see discover how to disarm would be metal assailants. The Old Man least gave me that much.

I am a student of Machiavelli, a disciple of SunTzu and a follower of Musashi. When Malcom said, "..by any means necessary...." I lived it. When Nietzsche proclaimed, "What does not kill me, makes me stronger", I agree that this is true, yet just as any balance equation I've discovered that there is a price for all exchanges, especially strength. Do survivors have a right to complained if they made it out "whole'"? Do they have any right to recourse or should they simply be thankful to have survived?

I still ask myself today.

Trust is important. It's what allows some to become close and bonds to form. It pulls strangers into alliances and it's the foundation of honor, love, and goodwill. It allows people to slumber peacefully in a hope that things are safe, secure, and will remain so in the morning. It give pretense that life will continue and root will take. It's the cement that holds our society as one and it drives many to create change. Trust is something that many overlook, undervalue, and give too easily.

Those who understand how trust work and it's deeply ingrained significance have often learn how to take advantage of it. Promises are offered for the moon, a new tomorrow, freedom, redemption, a chicken in every pot, and their everliving service. Many have taken the form of those who we would place our trust in. They masquerade as those of authority in order to gain trust and in hope for blind devotion. They are only able to commit some of the greatest atrocities in humanity once trust is gained.

To explain to you why I don't trust leads me to do that which I can not do. It's probably why this is so difficult to write and more tempting to erase. It forces me to expose what I substitute for trust and why so many of you have realized that I do carry a hard look time to time. I'm having difficulty exposing myself because I'm getting nothing in return. There is no quid pro quo here. There is only me in the center exposing what I would never dare to in person. Here you have the advantage while placing myself in the disadvantage. I'm stalling.

You're still holding on to that, huh?

I used to trust. In fact, I used to trust blindly as many of you do. I trusted many on principle rather than merit. Even no I see myself carefree and smiling in my mind's eye, not knowing the nature of man and the motives of many. I trusted many with things simply for the assumption that humanity is something of worth. That everyone, as I once believed are simply doing what is best for all. The greatest pessimists were born from mild tempered optimists.

And yet, in my years here I've learned that I was an easy target for many. For various reasons and logic that only they could admire. To go over the trespasses of those who paths I crossed would make this too long and not worth mentioning. Many have gotten away with what they wanted while others are still near and wait for those moments to return. Some I shared beds with and others I've pulled out of the mire of life only to have them pull me in their place.

I've saved the world many times only to realize that it always need to be saved. That and each and every time you return a little more jaded, a little more colder and a whole lot more aware. Perhaps it's having someone wake you with a punch to your face. Perhaps it's having someone sell you out to get what they want. Maybe it's just using you until they are able to move on to someone else.

And yet, perhaps it's because I can not shrug things off. I can't walk away thankful or count my blessings in the end. Perhaps I'm not willing to use others as well as they use me. I can not take from someone without making sure they are willing to share or willing to give. Perhaps I was the only one who listened in church. Maybe I paid too much attention philosophers and took the words of poets to heart. Perhaps I watched to many after school specials. Maybe John Lennon lied all along or just died like so many others with their well intentions under a gunshot.

So no, I don't trust anyone. Not just blindly, but at all. Those who approach me with smiles are under suspicion. Words are weighed and analyzed for hidden meaning. Compliments are not acknowledged and my worth as a human being is only valued by what I'm able to offer others. Distance is kept between us to allow me to leave at any time and not turn back. In a blink of an eye I'm able to cut ties and move on. If needed to, an entire life is ended and a new one made. I'm am recreated and new people are given 3 years. Anything more would only make things harder.

Three years is the cut off. People never last longer than 3 years. It's odd how I've came up with the time through observation. People drift off and life interrupts flow. I welcome it and see it as a pillar of life. In three years I'm able to give my all to someone and to show them the best of what I am and what I offer. After those three years it becomes difficult. Distance is shortened and lines are often hazed. I'm not able to remain unbiased and withdrawn. I'm not able to offer free information as I realize they as an individual have become closer than I would desire. Leaving is harder as I wonder harder questions which I can not find answer to. Questions which force me to not look into mirrors and wake me up from sleep.

Those questions are the hardest.

Are you still holding on to that?
Good.

I've made those sacrifices. I've given up more than I realized I have. When you pull someone out of their hell it rubs off on you. When you try to free someone of their nightmares you see them too. When you hold onto people right at their breaking point you also realize that you hold on what is and what should be is not the strongest either. It's like knowing how you will die. I'm knowing how the end will be instead of being blind to that. It's knowing it's ahead of you and you can not do anything. It's walking around with the taint of past horror and can not allow you to sit among those you care for the most in fear of it taking them also. It's the knowing that you may make their lives harder than it should ever be that you come to realize that you are not going to do that no matter what.

So you leave.

You erase numbers and cut ties. You get away from them and hope they do not get around you. You remain silent when they mention getting together or spending time to catch up. You pull from others and change subjects to hint to them that your lives can no cross paths and that they(you) will leave on day. That it's easier for them(you) for them to move on than to bring you along. You will only get in the way.

They have tomorrow.

You have today.

.....

Does it take a toll? I don't know. Perhaps it's why I fall out of beds. Perhaps it's why I can not tolerate a kind touch not from my children. Why there is only a cold feeling if someone embraces you, knowing that you are able to cut them out easily. Why it's easier to acknowledge your worth as a thing or tool rather than as a human being.

How much humanity is lost with surviving? Is getting stronger worth the lost?

I still don't know.

So when I say I trust someone, I do not tell them that I have a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing or committed into the care of another. I really telling them that if (and when) they decide to sell me out and betray my confidence it....I will be ready for it.

In the end, I only fool myself. I believe that I have a mental bullet for everyone I know and in a moment I'm able to cut my ties without a price. I tell myself when it happens that I was ready. I may even say that it was the right thing to do and everything worked out for the best. I nurse my wounds and stagger on. I curse myself for remaining in that position and it was my own fault of allowing it to happen. Months will pass, I will tear the moments apart for some understanding. What I can take away with me as experience I welcome. It's the meaningless moments where nothing makes sense that haunt me. Time explains all, but offers no absolution.

.....

How much do I trust people? As far as I can....